20 years ago, Seth and I got married. I told him in my wedding vows that on our 5oth wedding anniversary, I wanted him to still be happy with his choice in a partner for life. I think we are doing a fabulous job reaching that goal. We have had an incredible 20 plus years together. We all know that it isn’t all roses and daisies. We know that there are ups and downs in life. Seth and I ride the waves well together. We have lived in an apartment and two houses together. We have three fabulous children together. We have had many cars. We have a dog, two cats and a fish together but there were three other sweet cats before that. Seth has so many businesses that I am not even good at listing them. I went from being a therapist to a supervisor to what I call a new age social worker. Life together is such a blessing, and I want us to keep growing and thriving together. What can we share with you about marriage? This will be good for us to share because it reinforces the good stuff and reminds us how to have a wonderful marriage. We can reflect on how good we are doing, and we can look ahead to the next chapters and how we want to make our marriage even better. Let’s see if Seth agrees. I’ll have him do some commentary when I’m done!
How to do marriage well! 20 tips for 20 years of marriage:
1 Look for the good
This is a trick in every relationship. Spend your days looking at what your husband does right. I could give you a list of so many things Seth does right:
He goes to work every day and works hard for our family and the people he serves.
He compliments me and tells me how much he loves me.
He helps with the kids and the house. I feel as though I have a partner.
I won’t bore you, but the list goes on so let’s dissect that.
2 You can never say “I love you” and “I appreciate you” enough.
Say it every day. Say it multiple times a day. Make sure they know how loved and appreciated they are. You can never say thank you enough. When Seth takes out the garbage, I thank him. When he comes home from work, I thank him. When he picks up the kids, I thank him. When he does dishes, I thank him. Thank your partner all day and make them feel the love and appreciation. Say “I love you,” throughout the day.
3 In it Together
I don’t feel alone. I feel like whatever life throws at us that we are doing it together. We talk about it, and we help each other through whatever it is.
I also don’t feel alone in the daily to do list. I know that we are in a partnership and that it will all get done together. It makes me feel loved.
4 Make your partner feel hot
Seth tells me all the time how beautiful I am. He compliments me multiple times a day. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman. Lift your partner up and make them feel attractive! Seth will find me staring at his muscles! He loves that!
5 Do things for your partner / Recreational Companionship
Sometimes there are things that we don’t want to do that our partner wants to do. Maybe Seth doesn’t want to go to the craft fair, but he goes for me. Maybe I don’t want to go to that work dinner, but I will go for him. Make your partner feel loved by doing things with them anyway even when it is something that you don’t want to do.
Which brings me to recreational companionship. I totally understand that I can do things with my daughters, mom or friends. The fact that Seth is up for anything and willing to spend time with me means the world to me. If I had said I wanted to go to the book fair in Lewiston he would have driven me there. I appreciate that we are always willing to do something together.
6 Communicate or make a date to communicate
You can’t talk about marriage without healthy communication. Sometimes we don’t want to talk. Sometimes we don’t feel like it. Sometimes we are too upset or too tired or too, whatever it may be. If you aren’t up for communicating now, reset yourself and find time together to talk things over.
Try to have a goal with your communication. What do you want to get out of this? The goal isn’t to make each other feel bad. The goal is to feel better after the conversation.
Also, don’t play communication games. Say what you want. Be open and honest. Talk about what you need and how you feel.
7 Take a breath
Try not to communicate when you are angry. Make sure to take a breath and reset yourself before you talk things over. It’s always ok to tell your partner you need a break. Don’t avoid conversations and don’t talk to each other when you are angry. Make sure to talk it through after you get yourself to a calm rational state.
8 Check in with Each other
We will do this thing where we will ask each other: “How is your marriage.” You both experience the marriage differently so it’s great to check in and make sure everything is going well.
9 Be open to feedback and growth together
If you check in and there is something to work on – be excited to work on it to make your marriage even better. “I feel like we don’t spend enough time together.” That means it’s time for a date!
10 Regular Dates
Our kids are back to school today. Our easiest way to date each other is to grab lunch together. We need time together without our kids around. It keeps us connected and allows us to talk about things without being interrupted.
11 Take turns listening and speaking
I have really made a conscious effort in all my relationships to talk less and listen more. The best way to make your partner feel heard is to reflect on what they said back to them. You can ask clarifying questions, and I recommend avoiding interrupting each other. Wait your turn to speak.
12 Laugh a lot
Seth is great at interrupting an intense moment with making me laugh. He has been making me laugh since our first phone call. I still laugh with him every day. I think laughter is truly the best medicine. Find humor in situations. Pick a funny word to say to interrupt the anger. We are supposed to say, “pickle,” as a code word to interrupt a fight.
13 I will never be bored in this marriage!
One of Seth’s favorite lines to say to me is “I will never be bored in this marriage.” We both keep things interesting. We laugh and learn together, and every day is a new adventure. We both do crazy things. I will start dancing in the kitchen. He will start cracking jokes. Life with each other is anything but boring.
14 Learn these words, “I am sorry.”
Apologize often. Say you are sorry often. Don’t hold grudges with each other. Don’t keep score. One of the best ways to apologize is to work on not doing it again!
15 Go to marriage to give
If we both give 100% then we are doing really well. Don’t half ass your marriage. Give to it. Water your marriage every day just like I water my plants every day. Seth always says that marriage is a place that you go to give not receive. It means the world to me that he feels that way.
16 Be each other’s biggest cheerleader
We are always there rooting each other on in whatever it is from a new business to a new book to an award one of us is earning. Seth knows that I am his biggest fan, and I know that he is mine. It makes me feel ten feet tall!
17 Intimacy
Marriage is so much more than friendship. It’s holding hands. It’s staring into each other’s eyes. It’s stealing a kiss at the dinner table. Intimacy is an important part of marriage.
18 Know each other’s love language
We have talked about this before. It has been very helpful to learn what makes each other feel loved. We recommend learning this about your partner. Seth wants to hear it. I want help!
20 Keep choosing each other
Seth and I choose each other every day. Seth and I are conscious of the fact that we choose to be married to each other every day. Marriage is a choice. We are happy to continue to make that choice. Choose your partner!
Bonus 21 – Celebrate often!
Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, recitals, etc. Celebrate life together and enjoy life together.
I feel like there is so much more that I didn’t cover. Let things go. Respect each other. Like each other. Remember why you chose your husband. I could go on and on. I think Seth and I do a great job most of the time. When we don’t, we talk about it. When we need a break from each other, we take space.
The bottom line is that we love each other, we care about each other, we like each other, and we want to see each other succeed. We work to lift each other up every day. We look forward to continuing to love, learn and laugh together. I am excited for what’s ahead and I’m blessed to get to do this with Seth.
We hope that this was helpful for all of you. We would love to hear your marital advice! Seth just read this over and agrees and says he has nothing to add! Tune in Wednesday night on my personal Facebook page at 9 PM as I am sure he will add his two cents.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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