My daughter Ella and I are working on coordinating her Teenage Tuesday Columns with my Whinypaluza Wednesday blogs when we can. She wrote an awesome column yesterday with back-to-school tips, so check it out. All of her columns, just like my blogs are on whinypaluza.com.
I’m going to build on it and talk about my own pointers for going back to school and having a successful school year.
This school year looks very different in my house. If you are following along with my family, we dropped off my son Max to college on August 18th. So far so good and he seems to be thriving in college as I had a feeling that he would. Every time that I get sad and miss him I remind myself that he is where we all want him to be. I have a deep pit of missing him every day, but I am also doing really well. I am adjusting and moving along and also missing him. I can be ok and miss him at the same time. He is doing well and that is all that matters to me. Along with getting an occasional hug from him too!
Max is off at college as a freshman, Ella is a junior in high school and Lillie is in 8th grade in her last year of middle school. This is the first year that I have been ready for my girls to go back to school. It was the shortest summer ever and yet I was ready to get back to the routine. I think that is because I felt like my girls needed it.
Predictable Routines
I noticed that my kids do better mentally when they are in the busy routine of school and activities and I was excited to get back to that for both of them. We are back to our morning routine, after school routines and bedtime routines. I am back to my routine of dropping them off, picking them up, driving them to all of their activities and fitting in dinner. This has been the smoothest transition for us so far. I think it’s because they were really craving this routine.
One tip to get your kids engaged with the routine is to have them help to create the routine. When kids are a part of something then they are more cooperative. That goes with dinner too. If you have a really fussy eater – get them involved with picking meals and making them!
Prioritize Connection Before Correction
Before we jump into homework, schedules, or behavior expectations, let’s make sure we’re emotionally connected to our kids. A simple hug, a smile, or a few minutes of undivided attention after school can go a long way. Connection is the key to cooperation at home and at school. Teachers who engage their students have better listeners in their classroom. If you want your children to listen – the key is to make sure you are having positive interactions with them. There is power in a smile – there is even more power in a hug!
I laugh at how all of us moms can sound: “Brush your teeth. Make your bed. Do your homework.” Let’s not have everything we say be an order. Let’s make sure to ask them how they are doing and how their day was. If they don’t give you any details, ask them more specific questions like “What are you learning in social studies?” A favorite question in my morning commutes with Lillie and her friends is, “What are you guys doing in gym right now.”
Set Realistic Expectations
Every child is unique. Let’s not compare our kids to their siblings, their friends, or the kids down the street. Set goals that are challenging but attainable and cheer them on every step of the way. Celebrate effort over outcome. One child may excel in English while another one excels at math. I can tell when my children are putting in effort and that is what truly matters to me. If you tell your children that they have to receive a certain grade and they can’t seem to get there, then it may be time to change your expectations.
I think Ella said to set unrealistic expectations which I also like. I want her to dream big and go after it. Ella would probably say realistic is boring. I love that she sets super high goals for herself. I think it depends on the child and what helps them to be the most successful.
Keep the Communication Lines Open
Ask open-ended questions like, “What was something funny that happened today?” or “What went well today and what was challenging?” Avoid grilling them the moment they walk in the door. Give them time to decompress, then check in with curiosity and warmth. My children don’t like too many questions so pick a couple to ask and don’t go crazy with a list of questions. Keep telling your child that they can talk to you about anything.
Tip – when they do talk to you about anything, be calm. The best way to get a kid to clam up is to become reactive.
Encourage Independence
This is the year to let them pack their own lunches, set their own alarms, or organize their homework space. Step back just a little more this year. See what your kids can handle on their own. Lillie wants to make her own breakfast. Ella wants me to do it so that she can study. I pick my battles, and I also encourage them to learn life skills along the way.
I am going to be super honest and tell you that Max didn’t do a load of laundry until he went away to college. He had a few lessons from me, but he did his first load at college. He seems to be doing fine with it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your kids don’t have to be completely independent but it’s always great to teach them something new each year.
In my house my children’s jobs are to go to school, get their homework done and study for tests. Those are my priorities. Everything else is a bonus. If your kids are not studying and not doing their homework, then there are a ton of reasons for this. Setting a routine time can help them. Seeing if they are struggling and need help could also be the reason. Executive functioning skills such as organization do not come easy to every child so evaluate each of your children’s strengths and needs and see how you can assist. I think mothers are the best detectives and the best problem solvers.
Work With the Teachers
We’re a team! If something feels off, don’t wait. Reach out to the teacher with kindness and respect. Trust them, collaborate with them, and remember that they’re doing their best with a full classroom of kids. It is always a good idea to get the teacher involved earlier rather than later if there is something that you need to discuss. I am happy to help with tips on how to talk to teachers if anyone needs assistance. The best way to not get help is to come at them as if they are doing something wrong. It is always a good idea to assume that people are doing their best and not trying to upset you.
Make Time for Play and Downtime
School is important and so is rest and play. Protect time for your child to play, explore, relax, and just be a kid. A well-rested, happy child learns better. My daughter Lillie does a great job of fitting in some fun times with her friends. My daughter Ella tends to work too hard, and I love it when she takes a break and makes some fun plans. This goes for parents too. We need time to play too! Ella also saw how hard work got Max where he wanted to be!
Model Emotional Regulation
If we want calm, respectful children, we need to be calm and respectful ourselves. I know that’s easier said than done (especially during the morning rush), but our children learn how to handle stress by watching us. This is something that I am very conscious of and work on every single day. My goal is always to be a calm and loving parent. We can’t expect perfection from ourselves, but we can remember that their eyes are always watching us – even when we don’t think they are.
Be Flexible and Forgiving
Some days will be hard. Some weeks will be messy. Let’s give our kids and ourselves permission to make mistakes and bounce back. Flexibility is the key to being a successful parent. We may have an agenda of how everything is supposed to go but we need to be able to pivot at any moment. Moms are juggling masters who are ready for anything life throws at us. I also love that Ella said that every day is a fresh start. That is an excellent mindset. If today doesn’t go well, reset, rest, recharge and get ready for the next day!
Carpools and supports are Necessary
How do parents who are at work get their child from school to their activity? They call for backup. I see grandparents, friends and babysitters driving kids around. I have lots of children who know they can jump into my car. It’s not all on you. Remember that we aren’t meant to do parenting on our own!
Whether it is a carpool or math homework – call in your reinforcements. My son will be getting math phone calls at college!
Remember to make Family Time
In the chaos of school and activities, we can feel like we are constantly running around. When we walked through the door the other day, I told Lillie that before she did anything that I wanted her to come and eat with her family. Whenever you are able to make time for a family dinner at the table together. Make time to go apple picking or to a pumpkin patch. Sometimes we can squeeze in an hour of family time, and it keeps everyone connected as a family. It is also a great way to remind your children of their homebase. Homebase is with their family. I have read repeatedly that kids who eat with their parents are more successful.
Always remember that you are your child’s safe space. Your love, encouragement, and presence matter more than perfect lunches or perfect grades. Kids care that we are showing up and that we keep trying. Your kids don’t expect a perfect parent, so don’t expect that from yourself. I hope that your kids have a wonderful school year. I can’t wait to see how our children grow and thrive this school year. If you work in a school, I also wish you a wonderful school year. Let us know if you have any tips to share. I hope that you found something that I wrote helpful to you and your family! I hope that the year is starting off well.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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