Some days, parenting a teenager can be really hard. Some days are harder than others. Some days I find myself wanting to lay down on my bed and cry. Sometimes I look at my husband, and he knows I want to crumble into a ball and cry. Parenting teenagers is not for the weak. I always say that parenting isn’t for the weak, but parenting teenagers is a whole different animal.
If you want to run away.
If you want to hide in your car.
If you want to scream or cry.
If you just want some appreciation.
I am here to tell you that you are never alone in your feelings. I am right here with you. I am walking the walk with you and am deep in parenting. I have gotten degrees, taken a ton of classes and trainings in parenting, read the books, written the books and I am still here to tell you that doesn’t make it easy.
As I sat on my bed ready to cry the other night, I started to give myself a pep talk. The words of this pep talk began with, “I will never give up.” I will always be their mom. I will always try to be the best mom that I can.
When I fall down, I will get back up. When I screw up, I will apologize. When I think I can’t do it anymore I will take a break.
I want to give us all some words of encouragement and wisdom when we are having a really hard day, and we want to give up.
Developmentally Appropriate
Parenting a strong-willed, emotional, complicated teenager can push even the most patient parent to the edge.
One of the things that has gotten me through many hard days is knowing that this is developmentally appropriate. I remember reading that if our child isn’t testing us that we should be worried. Your teenager’s behavior is very normal for their age group. All children go through stages, and this is one of them.
I remember this one every single day.
Parenting Is a Long Game
Teen years trick us into thinking everything is urgent.
Every mood.
Every mistake.
Every argument.
Your child is still becoming who they are.
And so are you.
One rough season does not undo years of love. You are building a strong connection with them even when it doesn’t look like you are.
When It Feels Like Nothing Is Working
Here’s the truth no one says out loud enough:
Sometimes the work you’re doing won’t show up for years.
The boundaries you’re holding.
The calm you’re practicing.
The values you’re modeling.
They’re sinking in even when your child rolls their eyes, shuts down, or pushes you away.
Growth is often invisible before it’s obvious. We are putting in the hard work now to develop a wonderful adult who will thank us one day.
Stop measuring success by today’s behavior
Teen behavior is not a report card on your parenting.
It’s a snapshot of development, emotions, hormones, and stress.
Every eye roll and door shutting on us in our face does not make us a bad parent. It makes us a teenage parent.
Focus on connection, not control
You don’t need to win every battle.
I can get caught up in thinking that I need to win the argument in order to be a good teacher.
I have to watch how I’m communicating and what my goal is. My goal for my child is to take away a good lesson. I challenge you to let them know what you want them to know and leave it there hanging in the air.
They hear us even when you think they don’t. They hear us even when we don’t want them to hear us.
We need to keep the relationship intact. The connection is what gives your parenting influence.
Pushing away is not the same as not needing you
Teens push hardest on the people they feel safest with.
Their distance doesn’t mean you don’t matter.
It often means you matter the most. I remind myself of this one regularly. They are supposed to create distance and independence. This is what is supposed to be happening.
They don’t necessarily do it gracefully. They are doing what teenagers do and that is learning to be independent from us step by step.
Borrow hope when you’ve run out
On days when you can’t see the light, borrow it from someone else.
A friend.
A therapist.
A podcast.
This blog.
There is always hope and sometimes we need someone to find it for us when it’s lost in the attitude of our child.
Your child’s struggle is not your failure
Your child can struggle and be deeply loved.
Your child can be having a hard time without you being the cause. We are rarely the cause. They are usually taking something out on us, so we need to not take it personally.
Hold compassion for them and for yourself. Being a teenager isn’t easy. Being the mom of a teenager also isn’t easy.
Give yourself permission to rest
You don’t need to solve everything today.
Sometimes the bravest parenting move is:
I’ll try again tomorrow.
When I feel completely depleted, I often take a break or tag in my husband.
Trust the relationship you’re building
Even when it feels shaky.
Even when it feels strained.
Even when it feels quiet.
Your presence matters more than your perfection. It doesn’t matter what we have been through during the day. My kids are always looking for me whether it’s in the house or in the stands. They want to see me there.
A Reminder You Might Need Today
If you’re reading this with tears in your eyes, feeling exhausted and unsure, let me say this clearly:
Your child does not need you to give up.
They need you to stay.
Not perfectly.
Not calmly all the time.
Just present, trying, and willing to repair.
That is more than enough.
You are more than enough. You are doing a better job than you think. Just the fact that we keep going and keep showing up and don’t give up when we want to show what a great job we are doing.
Never Give Up on Your Parenting
Not on the days when you feel confident.
But on the days when you feel depleted.
The days when you feel invisible.
The days when you wonder if you’re doing it wrong.
Keep showing up.
Keep loving them through it.
Keep believing that this season is shaping something good, even if you can’t see it yet.
You are doing holy, hard work, Mama.
You are never alone. I am right in it with you and so are a lot of moms reading this.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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