I’ve been a mom for over 20 years. My son isn’t turning 20 until January, but I was a mom pregnant with him too. The unsolicited advice started when I was pregnant. I have had many years of advice given to me and a lot of experience handling good, bad and ugly advice. I want to give you some tips and tricks for handling and managing this. This isn’t unsolicited advice, because if you are reading this, you have been warned that there is advice coming!
There are many times when we seek out advice.
We ask other moms:
“How did you handle this?”
“Has your child every done this before?”
“Have you every dealt with this situation before?”
“What would you do in this situation?”
There are clear cut questions that are asking you for advice. This is when we want you to flood us with all your thoughts about a topic.
We have also heard from people that you should ask your child, partner, friend if they want advice or if they are just venting. I want to make note that I have heard that venting doesn’t help the situation. Venting is just perpetuating the problem. You are going over what you are upset about. You think it will make you feel better. All you have done is emphasize the problem. I think the advice in this situation is to tell your child, partner, friend that when they are ready you would love to help them work on their issue.
Here is the big trick in this scenario. I hope that we all open our ears wide to this fact: I want us all to focus on who we are talking to. I want us to help them figure out their own issue. I want us to ask good questions and make thoughtful comments that helps them figure out what THEY WANT in the scenario.
This is not a time to flex your smart muscles. This is not a time to think about what you want them to do. This is about the person with the issue and what will be best for them in the scenario. You may think that you know. You mean well. Help them figure out what they want to do. This helps people become better problem solvers. We want this for our friends and family, and we especially want our children to figure out how to problem solve their own issues. We want our children to thrive in life and do what is best for them. I want my children to follow their dreams and create their own life. I have my own ideas about what I want them to do but that doesn’t mean that is what they want. True love for people is wanting for them what they want for themselves. True love is not getting what you want.
The next time you go to give advice, I want us to pause and think about whether we are giving ourselves advice or are we giving advice to that person that fits for them? I have found a pattern recently from moms. They are giving me advice in a situation that makes themselves feel better. As an example, if I don’t pick up my child from school then they don’t feel bad that they aren’t picking up their child from school. That is just one of many pieces of advice that I have been given that I find is driven by a mom who needs to feel ok with what they are doing. In these scenarios of my being given unsolicited advice that I didn’t ask for, how do I handle it? What have I learned in the 20 years of being given parenting advice even when I didn’t ask for it?
The first question that I ask myself is: Can I learn something from this? I didn’t ask for it. I don’t necessarily want or agree with what this mom is saying. However, can I just sit and listen and think about if there are any nuggets of wisdom that I can take from what is being said? Take what may be helpful and leave whatever doesn’t fit for me.
The second question I often ask myself is: Who is giving the advice? Do I agree with how they parent? Do I like how they parent? Do I want my kids to be like their kids? Sometimes I look at moms with grown successful happy kids, and I want to pick their brain and ask them all the questions. There is also the factor that every child is different. Just because that mom raised a happy successful child doesn’t mean that her parenting will work for my children. All three of my kids couldn’t be more different and I do handle them differently. The bottom line is to look at who is giving you the advice. If you admire this person, then I personally am more likely to listen.
Question number three that I ask myself is: Does this fit for me and my values? We all have different values in our families. I have recently found that advice that I have been given without asking for it did not fit for me. If we are clear with our values, then we know if someone is guiding us to do works for us. This has helped me a lot.
Question number four that I ask myself is: How are my boundaries? Sometimes don’t you want to turn to someone and say, “Did I ask you?” We do want to have good boundaries with people. Tell them that you have it handled. Tell them that doesn’t work for you. Let them know that you aren’t looking for advice right now.
It makes people feel important and needed to give us advice. I am completely aware of this. There are plenty of times that I ask my people for advice. There are plenty of times that I don’t, and I still get a lot of advice.
I really try to take off my therapist hat and put on my friend, mom, wife hat unless I am asked a direct question. I don’t always succeed at this. I know what I would do in most situations but that doesn’t mean that I am going to interject my two cents as that person may not being looking for advice.
I think the biggest thing that I want us to take away from giving unsolicited advice is: Are we giving someone advice that suits them or us? Are we helping them come up with their own solution?
The biggest thing that I want us to take away from getting the unsolicited advice is: Take what works for you and leave the rest behind. We all tend to know what is best for our children. If we don’t, we will figure it out.
I do love my village and all their advice. I know how overwhelming everyone’s opinion and advice can be. I want you to figure out what kind of parent you want to be. I want you to learn to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. I wish you much success on this parenting journey we are on.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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