My daughter Ella walked into the dining room to announce that she needed to discuss her classes for next year. She had asked our permission to take four AP classes next year, which I didn’t agree with. Now she was standing in front of me asking to add a fifth AP class. I was feeling de ja vu from having this exact conversation with her brother two years ago.
I have three children in case you don’t know that about me. Max is 18 years old and about to graduate high school. Ella is 16 years old and is finishing sophomore year of high school. Lillie is 12 years old and is finishing 7th grade. They all study hard. Max and Ella take it to a different level. Max and Ella study for hours and hours. Lillie said to me yesterday, “I will never study as much as Ella does.” I wasn’t upset by that comment. I understood why she said that.
Max finished his five AP exams, and a huge load has been lifted off him. Last night he was out having fun with friends, and I couldn’t have been happier. As much as I want them to study and get good grades – I also want to see them out having fun with their friends and letting their hair down. We want to see our children learn balance.
I told Ella that we would discuss adding a fifth AP class further. I explained that I see how stressful it has been with two AP classes this year and that I was worried about her stress level next year taking five. I love her work ethic, and her mental and physical health is the most important thing. I told her that if she could do it without a huge stress level that we could negotiate. Ella asked how to reduce her stress level. As I started the conversation, I realized that Ella isn’t alone. There are a lot of stressed-out students out there and if I can be helpful, I want to. Let’s reduce our kids’ stress level in school!
How can our children reduce their school stress?
Self-Talk is where it’s at
I talk to my girls a lot about what messages they are telling themselves. I explained to my daughter Lillie that I hear her talk so kindly to her best friends. I want her to pretend that she is talking to them when she talks to herself. I talked to both of my girls about messages to tell themselves when they are taking tests: “I can do this. I will figure this out. I am smart and capable.” As you are doing homework, what are you telling yourself? If we can get our kids to have self-talk that works in their favor, then they will be way ahead of the game.
Breaks
When I got home from my daughter Lillie’s flag football game, I found Ella on the couch studying. The first thing I said to her is: “Please go take a break.” Her eyes looked so tired, and I just wanted her to rest. I want us all to teach our kids how to take care of themselves. One key way is by making sure that they are taking breaks. Studying nonstop all night is not good for them mentally or physically. I explained to Ella that if she takes a break for the rest of the night, then she will study even better tomorrow. Our brain and body need rest and breaks. Which leads to:
Build in Fun – create yourself a fun destress toolbox
Are your children building fun, coping skills, destress time into their days? Do they know what to put into this fun toolbox? I would ask them to make a list that they can refer to. If they are having trouble making a list, feel free to give them suggestions of things that you see them enjoy doing.
- A walk around the block always works for me!
- Listening to music.
- Journaling all the junk out of your head is one of my favorites!
- Coloring, painting, and baking are all fun ways to take a break. My new favorite hobby is bedazzling things! My girls love to bake with me!
- Watching a comfort show on tv.
- Reading a good book may win as my favorite.
If they look like they need a break – encourage them to turn to their fun destressing toolbox.
A Schedule
I notice that brains seem to thrive on structure and routine. If our children make themselves a schedule with breaks – this will work better for them. What time will I study? For how long? When will I take my breaks? When is dinner? When is my activity? Giving themselves a sense of structure after school can help them to cope with the load ahead. I was someone who wanted to get home to get it all done. I would do my after-school activity, do all my work, and then I would relax and do what I wanted in the time left before bed. We have to build a schedule that works for us. The schedule also needs to be realistic:
Realistic Expectations
No one is perfect. No one can get 100 on every single test and homework assignment. If our children expect that of themselves, then they are setting themselves up for disappointment. Realistic expectations for grades they receive and realistic expectations in what they accomplish in a day. How are they planning out their homework and studying? Are they breaking it up into a plan? Are they cramming? Having a realistic plan that is broken up into chunks of homework and studying will help their brain to feel less overwhelmed.
Breaths
I have seen myself and my girls get ourselves all worked up. I notice how we all breathe when we are stressed. I have had “breathing sessions” with both of my girls. If we can teach our children to stop and breathe during the day, they are going to feel so much better. My daughter Lillie was going to bed doing meditation every night and it was really helping her. Remembering to slow our breaths down and take long slow breaths can reset us in a way that we need multiple times in our days. I have also talked to them about grounding to the floor. Thinking about your feet planted on the floor can ground us and help us to manage our stress level.
Your Grades Do Not Define You
Your grades do not have to be perfect. When our kids want 100’s on everything they are setting themselves up for way too much pressure. I learned a long time ago that I should praise my children’s effort not outcome. I want my kids to learn to do that for themselves too. While I love hearing about the 100’s they are getting, I would love to see them earn their 100’s with less stress. The way to do that is to teach them that their studying and effort already makes them successful. They are learning skills for the real world. If they could sit down for a test and already feel successful then the experience is completely different. If they aren’t happy with the grade on their test, then I want them to say, “It’s ok. I worked hard for that grade. I will do even better next time.” Who they are as a person is not because of their grades. I also realize that they may be struggling because they need:
Study and Test Taking Skills
Do our kids know how to study? Do they know how to take a test? These are skills that sometimes come naturally and sometimes they do not. I would love to see this be a regular part of the curriculum to make sure that teachers are teaching kids how to study and how to take tests. If our kids are struggling and getting bad grades and not getting their homework done – let’s look at the reasons for this. Step one is to learn how to make time for homework and studying. Our kids are so overscheduled that sometimes they don’t have the time. Step two is to ask them how they study? Do they go over their notes? Do they make flashcards? Ella loves to write on our big living room mirror and give us a lesson to help her study. “Who can I teach this to,” she asked us last night. Check in and make sure your kids know how to study. I have also taught my children that sometimes things are on a test that they haven’t learned because their teachers want to get them to think. How can they apply what they have learned to the question in front of them? My daughters are also very good at asking their brother, their parents or their friends for help when they need it with their homework or studying. Ask for help!
Change their Schedule – Are they Overscheduled?
I love that some of our children want to join everything. I love hearing about some kids doing three sports at one time. However, how are their grades? Are they getting all their homework done? Are they staying up until 1 and 2 am every night because they are doing homework after all their activities. If they are overscheduled, this can be a huge reason for their school stress level. I recommend helping your children learn to say yes to their favorites and no to other sports and activities. If they are doing well in school, they aren’t stressed, and they are getting good grades, then this doesn’t apply to you. If your children are stressed, I recommend helping them to reduce their sport and activity load. I also think that our children don’t have to say yes to taking high honors classes for every class. We have to evaluate this on a student-to-student basis. If your children are regularly stressed, I would recommend changing their class load too.
Talk to Someone
I love that my kids will come and talk to me about their stress. Whether they talk to me, their dad, or a friend, I just want them to talk about how they are feeling. Unloading their stress onto someone can make them feel so much better. Sometimes they want to just vent it all out to me, and they aren’t looking for problem solving. They just want to unload. We can teach our children to tell us or their friends, “I just need to vent it all out.” I find that when I get it all out to my husband I feel so much better. We don’t realize how much we carry inside!
Get Sleep
I love it when I hear that parents make their kids go to bed early. Getting enough sleep is vital to our physical and mental health. Our kids are going to do better with school, homework, tests, activities, games if they feel rested. We think better when we have enough sleep. Let us all please teach our children to value their sleep. In fact, I told my daughter she needed to come home from her friend’s house to shower and go to sleep because she had to get up early. We set the tone for this with our rules and expectations around sleep schedules.
Celebrate
I love it when I see my kids excited about a grade that they received. I want them to give themselves praise. Praise from me is great – praising themselves is even better. Also, I want them to celebrate their hard work too. “I studied for a solid hour and got so much done. Go me!”
“I turned in that hard assignment. I am so proud of myself for getting that done.”
“I had that hard conversation with my teacher. I got it done!”
“That test was really hard, but I got through it.”
Celebrate!
This is for the overachievers that live in my house. I realize that parents may have the opposite issue. We can tackle that next time! I see how hard my children work. I see how high their stress level can be. I want our children to work hard, find balance, and learn how to manage their stress better.
I hope that there is a tip or two here that you can take away and can help you to reduce your kids stress and your own stress. How we model managing stress is always one of the greatest teachers for our kids.
I hope that our kids study hard, find time for fun, and do well on finishing up this school year.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
Check out my link tree:
www.Linktr.ee/whinypaluzamom
Whinypaluza Notes:
Whinypaluza Mom Group:
If you are looking for a supportive community, come join the free Whinypaluza Mom Facebook group. I created this as I wanted us to have a place where we can talk about tips, strengths and challenges we are having. It is another step I took to help everyone to know that you are not alone. Our May Mother’s Day challenge was a lot of fun! Come jump in and join us and bring a friend with you! I love to give away prizes. This group is private so please find me on Facebook at Whinypaluza or Rebecca Greene and message me to ask for an invite. I’m also on Instagram @becgreene5 and @whinypaluza_mom. I am also on Tik tok @whinypaluzamom.
The Whinypaluza Schedule:
Whinypaluza Wednesdays: My weekly blog comes out every Wednesday. I am always open to your topic requests. A new Vlog (video blog) also comes out every Wednesday night on Facebook and You Tube live at 8:00 PM Eastern time to discuss the blog. If you would rather listen to a podcast than watch a Vlog, you can wait for the following Wednesday and the Vlog is released on my Podcast.
Family Fridays: Every Friday morning a new Podcast is released. Most of my episodes on Fridays are me discussing parenting and marriage with experts on the topic. If you would rather watch the Podcast instead of listen, you can watch it on You Tube. If you would like to be on my Podcast or know someone who would like to please message me on Facebook or Instagram or at whinypaluzamom@gmail.com
I would so greatly appreciate it if you would subscribe, rate my Podcast and leave me a five-star review. This leads to it being shown to more people that we can help. I appreciate it when you share my blogs, vlogs and podcasts with a friend so that we can build our community and help people one mama at a time. Every time you like and/or comment on a post it helps and is so appreciated!
