Saturday, I had the honor of sitting through my son’s high school graduation ceremony. It was beautiful and so meaningful. I smiled all day and felt so proud of him. The sunny weather reflected exactly how I was feeling. I was feeling proud of Max, and I was also feeling proud of my husband and I. We all did it. 18 wonderful years together of Max growing up. Seth and I aren’t perfect parents, but we did our best. We were there for Max every step of the way since the day he was born. This was a family celebration. It’s been 18 years of growing together and it’s time for a new chapter. As we flip the page, what lessons am I reflecting on as my son graduates?
Letting go isn’t the end – it’s a new kind of holding
I am sitting in the doctor’s office as Max gets two of his wisdom teeth out. They called him up to sign his waiver. My heart skipped a beat. My 18-year-old now signs his own waiver. I still sit in the waiting room waiting for him. He still wants his mom. It just looks really different now. Yesterday I followed him to the car dealer to drop off his car. Today I sit as he has his wisdom teeth removed. It just looks different.
Celebration and Grief can live in the same moment
My tears don’t come when I expect them. I sat through Max’s graduation ceremony smiling. I was so happy all day. There was maybe one tear when the President of the class was speaking. My tears come when I don’t expect it. Random things will set me off. I am so excited for Max. He is ready for his next chapter, and he is excited. I want this for him. I can also be sad at the same time. I am going to miss him. I am going to miss him at high school with his sister. I am going to miss seeing his face every day and giving him hugs daily. I am going to miss asking him to come downstairs and help his sisters with their homework. I am so happy for Max. I am so excited for him. I am also very sad. A mother who has a child graduating and going to college has SO many emotions all at the same time.
Parenting never ends
Max’s high school graduation is not the end of my parenting. I will always be Max’s mom. I am 49 years old, and I still call my mom for advice. My mom still parents me. She still asks me to let her know when my plane lands. We have built a strong foundation. Our relationship will look different as the years progress and he will need me in different ways. It is not the end – it just changes and evolves.
Success is not just about academics
My three kids study hard and get really good grades. I am so proud of their report cards. I love their work ethic. I love seeing them study for tests and complete their homework. You know what I love even more – their kindness. When teachers tell me things what they do at school for other kids or when I hear how respectful they are to their teachers – that feels like an even bigger achievement as a parent. I tell my kids that my goal is to raise good citizens who contribute to our world. Work ethic will take them far and so will respect and kindness.
My Job was to prepare
As we entered the teen years, I realized that it was time to really start preparing my kids for adulthood. Things that I said to myself that worked:
“Don’t jump in and fix it. Let them figure it out.”
“It’s easier to do it yourself but teach them. They need to learn.”
“Let them go. They will be ok.”
“Talk less – listen more.”
My goal is to raise independent successful adults. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have a support system. We all need a support system to help us. I will always be a part of their support system. I do want them to learn how to be an adult and to do things like take their car in for an inspection.
I’ve grown a lot too
Max is my oldest and he makes comments about how I parent my youngest differently than him. I am not the same parent that I was when Max was Lillie’s age. Just like my kids grow and evolve every year, so do I as a mom. I grow and change every year with my kids.
Doing it Differently
We learn so much from our parents. Our parents are our role models. That doesn’t mean I want to do things exactly how they raised me. There are things that I will want to do differently with my kids. I also don’t parent all three of my kids the same way. They need and want different things from me.
Time goes by very quickly. I want to remind all of us to enjoy the present moment. Let us all learn and grow with our kids. Let us all give ourselves a lot of credit as we raise our kids. If your child graduated from elementary school, middle school, high school or college, I want to congratulate your child and I want to congratulate their village too. It takes a village to raise our children. 18 years of parenting feels pretty great. It has been quite the ride. I can’t wait to see what Max does next! I’m behind him every step of the way and I’m always here for him cheering him on.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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