I want to begin by saying that I love hearing what is going on in all my people’s lives. I want to hear it all. I usually have big huge large patience that is ready to sit and listen to all that you want to get out. I will hear you. I will listen. I will empathize and make you feel heard. I will even give you some meaningful (hopefully meaningful) advice if you want me to.
I want to pause and teach us all something. I thought that it was productive to vent. I figured that once we got it all out, we would feel better. I just wanted to take a moment to teach us all that venting doesn’t help (even if you think it does). You are just emphasizing those feelings again. What is much more productive is talking to your village in a constructive way that can help you move towards solving whatever it is that you are venting about.
Back to me being patient with my village. I usually have a lot of tolerance to listen to people. Then my dog died. Then we got more bad news. Then we got a little more troubled news. My cup was full. I was feeling drained, worn out, and in need of support.
I don’t remember feeling this way, so I imagine this is new for me and for my village. I didn’t have any patience or tolerance. I didn’t want to hear what was going on with anyone. I didn’t want to hear about the death of your dog, cat or loved one (that wasn’t recent). I didn’t want to hear anything that I labeled meaningless trivial information. I wanted my village to open its arms and hold me and support me and listen to me.
I love to be the giver. I am most comfortable when I am helping others. I knew I needed help. I knew that it was my turn to just say ok to help.
I am going to pause again to tell you that this doesn’t apply to the three friends who were going through this with me. Three friends who lost their best buds at a very similar time to me. Those friends I had the tolerance to listen to. Those friends I had an ear for, and it helped me to hear them and support them and know how they were feeling. It helped me through my stuff as they were struggling through the same thing at the same time.
When someone is having a hard time, they don’t always want to hear how you relate. They just want you to be there for them. I read that women connect to other women by sharing similar stories. I am guilty of that. It’s not a bad thing. I was just feeling like my cup wasn’t allowing any room or tolerance to listen. I didn’t have it in me. I feel my cup growing. I feel the tolerance coming back. I was excited to listen to all the things about my friend today and I could feel that the heaviness on me had lifted.
When your friend or family member is going through something, here are some tips to be supportive to them and help them through it:
Listen actively. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply listen. Let them express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting. Hear them and don’t make it about you.
Offer empathy. Let them know that you can imagine how hard this is for them and that you are there for them. You are trying to understand what they are going through. It doesn’t matter if you have gone through something similar because their experience is different. I want you to show empathy and understanding and I want you to respect that their experience/ my experience is different from yours.
Be present. Sometimes, showing up without saying much can speak volumes. Physical presence can be incredibly comforting, whether it’s sitting together in silence or offering a hug. I cannot thank my family and friends enough who stopped by to give me a hug, gifts, cards, and to let me know that they were thinking of me. It meant the world to me. A lot of you listened to me as I attempted to talk through my tears.
Offer specific help: Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer concrete help. “Let me cook your dinner tonight?” or “I would like to go pick up your groceries?” are more actionable and can be easier for them to accept. I like to even say something like, “I would like to cook your dinner. Let me know a good night to do this.” I liked it when my friends told me to let them know if I needed anything because it made me feel like they were there if I needed anything. I didn’t know what I needed. But I appreciated the offer. When people offer to help you, I want you to say yes.
Check in regularly. Keep reaching out even after the initial crisis has passed. Your friend or family member may need support for a long time and knowing you’re there can make a huge difference. This one meant the most to me. A huge giant thank you to my family and friends who were checking on me. This was the most helpful to me. When I said above that I didn’t know what I needed, this is what I needed.
Encourage self-care. Gently encourage them to take care of themselves, whether that’s getting rest, eating well, or doing something they enjoy, but avoid pushing too hard. Tell me to get a massage! I did book a facial and I’m so proud of myself!
Validate their feelings. Reassure them that their feelings are normal and valid. Let them know it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling, whether it’s anger, sadness, frustration, or confusion. I found this very helpful too. I love it when my village normalizes my feelings.
Respect their pace. Healing, processing emotions, and adjusting to change takes time. Be patient with them and avoid rushing them through their emotions or suggesting they “move on” too quickly. My friend told me that we would meet in my backyard when I was ready. That meant the world to me. That told me she understands. Going in my backyard is hard right now. Thankfully it is cold and snowy, and I don’t have to tackle that mountain yet.
Being a consistent, compassionate presence for them can make all the difference during difficult times. A sincere thank you to my village for getting me through a hard time. Top of Form
Stopping by.
Sending cards.
Bringing over gifts.
Checking on me.
It is all so appreciated, and I hope you all know that.
I’m feeling much lighter as I type this. If you are going through a hard time, know that you are never alone. I hope that you felt heard and understood. I hope that this can help us all be an even better support to our loved ones. Go check in with someone going through a hard time.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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