September 3, 2026, Seth and I celebrate 21 years of marriage. It has been an amazing and wonderful journey so far. We aren’t going to tell you that marriage is all roses and sunshine. We will tell you that we love being married to each other and that we never stop learning and growing together as a couple and as parents. We want to share with you what we have learned over the years.
I think one of the best tips that we can remind each other and share with all of you is to assume the best of each other. Assume that your partner is doing something that they think is in your best interest. Assume that they think that they are doing something good for you, the family, and you as a couple. They aren’t trying to upset you or hurt you. Assuming the best can reduce conflict a lot.
Show love and appreciation every day. You can never say “thank you, I appreciate you or I love you,” enough. You can say it every day and many times a day. Your partner needs to know that they are loved and appreciated. I think the fact that I feel loved and appreciated is a key to our happy marriage and I hope Seth says the same thing.
Never stop working on yourself! One of the things I love about Seth is that he’s always working on himself. We both want to work to be the best versions of ourselves for each other and for our children. If I tell Seth that something is bothering me, he will work on it and vice versa. I also recommend having goals as a couple that you are working on. We always work to be less reactive with each other.
Don’t keep score. Seth and I don’t track what each other is doing all day every day. In fact, we want each other to relax more. We are both very hard workers. If you are both hard workers, then I would say it is easier for us not to keep score. Seth leaves early in the morning for work and gets home late. I know how hard he works for our family, so I am in a state of appreciation and not in a state of tracking what he does. When he’s home, he’s willing to pitch in. We are a team. If one of us is too tired the other one takes over. He doesn’t question what I do all day because he knows that between the kids, our house, errands and my work that I don’t tend to stop all day. He wants me to stop more!
Remember that you are on the same team. It is Seth and I together as a team in life. If a problem comes up, we need to work together to solve it. If I don’t like how he is doing something or working on something, I just need to calmly communicate and suggest something else. We need to share our ideas and work together. Seth is never trying to work against me, and I need to remind myself of that sometimes.
Communicate your needs. Don’t keep it a secret. Don’t be shy or expect them to guess what you want. I tell every woman I know that our men can not read our minds even though we want them to. Seth asked me what I wanted for our anniversary. I told him I will always want jewelry. I spelled it out. I don’t want him to guess. I want him to know. I want him to know where I want to travel to. I don’t want to leave Seth guessing. I do want him to romance me and come up with things on his own. I also don’t hold back. Seth is very direct and it has rubbed off on me in a very good way. I recommend not being passive in your communication with anyone, but we are focusing on our spouses today. Calm direct communication is always the way to go.
Let things go. Don’t make mountains out of tiny little molehills. Let little things go all day. Don’t bring everything up. Let it slide right by you. We don’t have to point out every little thing all day. It makes for a happier marriage. If it is really bothering you then it is worth discussing and working on it.
Get over things quickly. If you do have some sort of conflict in your marriage, you want to work through it. Make sure you are calm first. Work through it. Try to resolve it. Move on quickly. Don’t perseverate over it for days, weeks, months or years. Remember that every single person is imperfect and there will be stuff to work on. Also remember that every conflict may not be solved. Figure out how you two can live with it if you can’t come to a resolution or compromise.
Make sure your spouse feels important. Tell them and show them how important they are to you. Make time for them. Tell them. Find out what will make them feel loved and important and make sure to do that. We want to prioritize our spouse. Every spouse feels prioritized differently.
Find out what makes your partner feel the most loved. Seth loves when I tell him how I feel. There are so many ways that I feel loved. In the chaos of our life, I love that he makes me feel like I have a partner in everything in life. From the kids to the housework to the work that I do. I know that he is always willing to support me in everything, and I hope that he feels the same way. Find out what makes your partner feel loved.
Always be touching is marital advice from relationship expert Dr. Arthur C. Brooks. I love this advice! Grab your partner’s hand. Touch their shoulders. My hand is on Seth a lot. I will rest it on his leg or grab his hand. Give your partner a big hug and kiss. Touching a lot makes us feel more loved. So does eye contact. I like to look deep into Seth’s baby blues.
21 years later I can say that I have fallen deeper in love with my husband. I saw his excitement when Max face timed us the other day. The look on his face and the love that I saw for our son made me love him a little more. No one understands my love for our kids like my husband does.
I feel like Seth loves every part of me. He loves my good sides and my not-so-great sides. When I was explaining my anxiety to him the other day I saw the love in his eyes. He cares so deeply about me and I see it and I feel it. I know it’s easy to love the good parts of me and it makes me feel good that I know he loves the other sides too. That doesn’t mean I don’t work on those not-so-great sides of me!
Seth and I have entered a new stage of life together. Our son left for college and our daughter is next. Going through this together and being there for each other has only made our love grow. You are guaranteed to change over the years. You change and your life changes. Grow, change, and evolve together.
We hope that you can take something from this back to your marriage to have an even better marriage. If you have a marital question for us, never hesitate to ask. It is one of our favorite topics.
Cheers to 21 years of marriage. Forever to go. I chose wisely and I am so thankful for our life together. Who you marry is one of the most important decisions that you make in your life.
Go laugh, learn and love with your spouse,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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