You may have lost your mom, husband, child, or loved one. I lost my dog. My best friend. My golden retriever who was with me all day every day who was always there for me. Today is one month without my dog Tanner. Just when I think that I am ok I am crying at Pet Supplies Plus looking at the dog aisles. I was walking to the cat aisles to get cat food and cat litter. I didn’t need any dog food and that was making me stand there crying.

It shows up when I’m taking a walk and I see all my neighbors walking their dog.

It shows up when I step out of my bed and I don’t have to step over Tanner anymore. How do you go from being with a person or pet every day to them being gone?

I want to say this right up front, because it matters but there is no “right” way to grieve. There are healthier ways to move through grief. There is no timetable. There are no expectations. As my husband said to me Monday morning, “Just let yourself be sad and stop resisting it.” If I just let myself be sad, I will move through the grief. When you first lose a loved one it may be constant tears. Now it is waves that hit me at random times during the day. Just accept it and allow it and know that we need to walk through our grief.

 

The Stages of Grief

Most of us have heard of the five stages including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. They can be helpful, but they’re not a checklist. You don’t graduate from one and move neatly to the next.

Grief is more like a toddler with a crayon. It scribbles everywhere.

You might feel acceptance in the morning, anger by lunch, denial at dinner, and deep sadness at 2 a.m. You might revisit the same stage a hundred times. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re human. I feel like I move through all five stages of grief in one day. I thought it was more of a flow through the stages. I was wrong.

Here’s a simple parent-friendly translation of those stages:

  • Denial: “This can’t be real.” (Often our brain protecting us from overload.)
  • Anger: “Why would this happen?” (A natural protest when something is unfair.)
  • Bargaining: “If only I had…” or “What if we…” (Our mind trying to regain control.)
  • Depression/Sadness: “This hurts.” (The weight of reality landing.)
  • Acceptance: “This is part of my story now.” (Not “I’m okay with it,” but “I can carry it.”)

Acceptance doesn’t mean you stop missing them. It means you learn to live while missing them.

I have done a lot of bargaining. I am really good at torturing myself and replaying things and wondering if I could have done something different / better for Tanner. We all do our best. I don’t recommend spiraling and torturing yourself with would have, could have, should have. Just live in the present with what is. I can’t go back in time and change things. I also don’t know if I could have done anything better.

How grief can look in kids is often not what we expect.

Kids grieve differently than adults, and it changes by age and personality. They may not cry for hours. They may play. They may laugh. They may ask the same question over and over. They may seem “fine” until bedtime, then fall apart.

Common signs of grief in children can include:

  • Increased clinginess or separation anxiety
  • Regression (bedwetting, baby talk, wanting help with things they used to do)
  • Irritability, anger, or “big reactions” to small things
  • Sleep trouble or nightmares
  • Stomachaches, headaches, changes in appetite
  • Trouble focusing at school
  • More risk-taking in teens, or emotional shutdown
  • Lots of questions, or no questions at all

All of these just mean that your child is adapting to a world that suddenly feels different.

The most important gift you can give your kids is the truth, in a way they can hold.

When we avoid grief, kids don’t feel protected. They feel confused. They sense the tension, the hush, the missing pieces.

Aim for honesty that is simple, direct, and age-appropriate:

  • “They died, which means that their body stopped working and they can’t come back.”
  • “It’s not anyone’s fault.”
  • “You are safe, and we will take care of you.”
  • “We can talk about it whenever you want.”

If your child asks hard questions, answer what they’re asking and no more, no less. If you don’t know the answer to their question it’s okay to say:
“I don’t know, but I’m here with you.”

What to do when you’re grieving and still parenting

The part that no one puts in the sympathy card is that grief is exhausting. Parenting is already a full-body sport. Combine them and it can feel like you’re doing life with ankle weights.

What can help:

Let yourself be seen

You don’t have to be stoic to be strong. Kids benefit from seeing a parent feel and recover. My kids have seen me crying. My kids have given me hugs when they see me sad. I show my kids all the emotions as I want them to know that this is a normal part of life. Life is not all happiness. Life has many facets of emotions.

“I’m crying because I miss them. Crying is okay. It helps my heart.”

This teaches your child that emotions are safe and that we get through our emotions.

Keep the basics steady

In grief, we can’t always do everything.

  • meals (simple is fine)
  • sleep routines (gentle consistency)
  • movement (a short walk counts)
  • hydration (we all need this reminder)

Stability doesn’t erase loss, but it gives your nervous system a railing to hold. You and your kids need the stability.

Name what’s happening in your body

Grief isn’t just sadness. It’s physical.

When you can, narrate it:
“My chest feels tight today. That’s grief.”
“I have a headache. That’s grief.”

This reduces shame and helps kids connect feelings to sensations.

Accept help

If someone offers food, rides, childcare, errands then say yes. You do not need to be in crisis mode to deserve support.

“Yes. Thank you. That would be so helpful.”

 

How to help your kids through loss:

Invite conversation, but don’t force it.

Some kids talk while walking. Some talk in the car. Some talk at bedtime. Some talk through art. Conversations in the car are always good because you are not face to face and it feels less intense to our children. My son likes to start talking about his feelings at 10:30/11:00 PM at night and I’m here for it. Whatever they need, I will always do my best.

Try gentle prompts:

  • “What do you miss the most today?”
  • “What’s been the hardest part?”
  • “What do you wish you could say to them?”
  • “Do you want advice, a hug, or for me to just listen?”

And if they shrug? You can say:
“Okay. I’m here when you’re ready.”

Give them language for their feelings

Kids often act out what they can’t name. Help translate it for them.

“It seems like you’re feeling mad and sad at the same time.”
“It makes sense to feel confused.”
“Missing someone can feel like a heavy backpack.”

The goal isn’t to talk them out of feelings. It’s to help them recognize what’s happening.

Expect grief to come in waves

Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, first days of school…

Instead of being blindsided, normalize it.
“Sometimes our hearts remember before our brains do.”

Create a simple ritual

Rituals give kids a way to “do something” with their love.

Ideas:

  • light a candle on certain nights
  • write notes to the person (or pet) and keep them in a memory box
  • make a photo album together. I still need to do this for Tanner.
  • cook their favorite food
  • choose a “remembrance song”
  • plant something in their honor
  • share “one favorite memory” at dinner

Grief needs a container sometimes. Ritual becomes that container.

I gave each of my children a stuffed golden retriever that I thought looked like Tanner. I also bought my husband and I necklaces. Mine says Tanner and has a paw print. Seth’s has Tanner’s name and face etched on it. Special gifts can be helpful. My kids can all sleep with the stuffed animal for comfort.

Keep their world connected to caring adults

Let teachers, coaches, and caregivers know (briefly) what happened so they can support your child without making them explain it.

A simple message:
“Our family experienced a loss. If you notice changes, please let me know. We’re supporting them through it.”

What not to say

These are common phrases that can accidentally make grief feel lonely.

  • “They’re in a better place.” (Not everyone believes this and it can feel dismissive.)
  • “Be strong.” (They already are. Just let them feel.)
  • “At least…” (Grief doesn’t like comparisons.)
  • “Don’t cry.” (Tears are a healthy release.)
  • “You need to move on.” (Grief does not have a timetable.)

Better to say something like:

  • “I’m so sorry.”
  • “This is really hard.”
  • “I’m here.”
  • “Tell me about them.”
  • “What would help today?”

When to consider extra support

Sometimes grief needs more hands around it. Consider reaching out if you notice:

  • persistent sleep problems or panic
  • ongoing withdrawal, hopelessness, or significant behavior changes
  • self-harm talk, substance use, or unsafe risk-taking
  • your child can’t function in daily life for an extended period
  • you feel stuck, numb, or overwhelmed most days

Support can look like counseling, grief groups, school supports, faith community supports, or a trusted pediatrician referral. It doesn’t mean anyone is failing. It means you’re building a safety net.

The gentle truth about grief

Grief changes shape.

In the beginning, it can feel like you’re drowning. Then, slowly, you learn to float. Eventually, you may even laugh again and then feel guilty for laughing and then learn that joy and sorrow can live in the same house.

That’s not betrayal.

That’s healing.

If your family is walking through loss right now, I’m holding space for you. Be tender with yourself and with your family. You are not alone!

Laughing, Learning, Loving,

Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R

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