We got home from dropping off our first born at Cornell University last night. I have joined the hot mess express, and the tears just keep pouring down. I cried most of July. I thought maybe my tears had dried up. I was very wrong. I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I did last night trying to go to sleep for the first time at home with Max off at college. I keep telling everyone that I will be ok when I know Max is ok. When I find out that he loves it there and that we made a good decision.
You see, I want my kids to go down the street to the University at Buffalo where I went to school. Max got into their honors college. He could live at home and use the car we bought him that is currently sitting in our driveway. It is affordable and it is close. However, how could I possibly deny Max this opportunity to go to one of the very best colleges that there are out there in this wonderful universe of ours. My husband went away to school to Syracuse University and loved it. I stayed home and went to UB for six years and was very happy. Two very different experiences and I don’t think one is right, and one is wrong.
As we sat at the convocation ceremony yesterday, I listened to Michael I. Kotlikoff the President of Cornell say, “You are among the most well-trained students in the world here. There are no imposters here. Welcome to Cornell.” I thought about the amazing opportunity that Seth and I were providing for our son. I thought about the last 18 years and the road to get here. Max deserved to be sitting there. If I live in the excitement, then my mama heart is happy.
Here is what not to do:
Think about Max adjusting to a small bed when he has a big expensive bed in his bedroom at home. – he will get used to it.
Think about how he is already missing my cooking – he will have access to amazing food.
Think about how he is only friends with his roommate so far – he will meet more people.
Worry about Max doing laundry – if he can go to Cornell then he can do laundry. Don’t judge – I’m the laundry fairy! One of my favorite mom jobs!
Think about how I wanted him down the street at UB – how about if I think about the incredible opportunity, we are giving him.
Going through every worry I can think of.
I teach people to train their brain, so I want to practice what I preach. We teach ourselves how to think about things. What if I think about:
All the awesome classes he can take with top notch professors. He loves to learn!
All the smart, wonderful students he will meet.
The beautiful “gorges” campus.
The first day was a big giant whirlwind as I knew it would be. I spent months buying Max supplies for his dorm room. My friend Laura gave me her list of dorm supplies to use and let me interview her for my podcast. Go listen to The Whinypaluza Podcast episode 467 with Laura Brann titled “Your College Send off Survival Kit.” She has been so helpful along with other wonderful moms who have taught me so much. Use your support system to help you learn about this next chapter. I will post my list at the end of everything we packed for Max. The list will look very different for my daughters. They will want other things like a vanity, make up, decorations, a headboard, etc.
After a ton of work buying, organizing and packing everything, it was time to load the car. Seth used his amazing tetris skills to pack our SUV. Our daughters were busy with their own things this week, so we left them with my wonderful parents. We realized we didn’t have room in the car for them anyway and Cornell said you can only bring one car with you.
We drove the 2.5 hours to Cornell, and the process began. We checked in, moved to the correct lot, moved to the correct dorm, unpacked into crates, and off Seth went to park the car. Max and I ventured upstairs to find his room and his roommate. His roommate was busy unpacking with his mom and aunt. Introductions were made and Max and I got busy unpacking and organizing his dorm. I had no idea how this carload of stuff was going to fit into his dorm, but we did it and it looked great when we were done. I felt such happiness for Max. He was so happy to be there, and we did such a good job getting him all set up. We only forgot a few things, so I was very proud of us. Thankfully he is close, and we can mail it or drive it to him. We’ve already sent a couple of amazon packages of stuff he needs: cable for his computer and a hair dryer! I’m proud to say that the three of us found his mailing address, where to pick up his mail, and the laundry room. He has also been working out at the gym regularly already and meeting people.
Kudos to Cornell:
Great check in system.
Great dorm room. Great storage in the dorm room – we fit everything.
Great convocation ceremony.
We built in an extra day for two reasons: to check on what else Max needed at the store. The beautiful new student convocation ceremony was the day after his move in day.
I have read so many things about college drop off. Some parents tell you it’s easier on all parties if you drop your child off and run home. Quick and less painful. That doesn’t work for me. You have to do what works for your family. I wanted Max to sleep in his dorm and see what else he needed. I knew I would make a Walmart and Target run for him. I knew there would still be stuff at home that we forgot. I knew that I would get home and think of more stuff that I should have bought him at the stores. I did well. My husband and son were very impressed with everything I purchased and organized. Moms – we need to give ourselves pats on the back and recognition. I was proud of myself, and Monday was emotionally wonderful.
The next day was much harder knowing that it was going to be time to leave. Everyone warned me about the car ride home. The car ride home was hard but what was even harder was trying to go to sleep for the first time while he was away at school. I didn’t think I would ever sleep. Eventually I got some sleep. Today is a little easier and I have a feeling tonight will be a little easier. Life continues to roll along, and we will all adjust to this new huge life change in the Greene home. I will miss him every day until I see him. Here’s hoping that he absolutely loves it.
I wrote Max a letter to read before he left. So did his father and his sister Ella. Lillie went to Target and made him a going away basket with stuff she thought he would need. Ella got him a Spiderman journal. He has so much love and support behind him. What thoughtful gifts from his sisters. What topics did I cover in my letter so I can pass along some advice:
The love and support that is always here for him 24/7. Keep reminding them of your love and support that is there for them wherever they are.
The importance of communication and honesty. I want to know how things are going. I want him to respond to texts and calls. Every family has different expectations around communication but make those expectations known. While I want this to work out for Max it also doesn’t have to be permanent. I have heard of so many kids transferring to schools for a variety of reasons. Flexibility is one of the keys to parenting.
School work and balance: I want him to work hard but he knows how to do that. I wanted to remind him to work and study hard and to make time for fun with friends. I also reminded him that he doesn’t have to get all A’s. One of the convocation speakers got a good laugh when he said to all the new students that a B is not failing. He knew his audience when he said that.
Taking care of yourself: We want our kids to make time to eat, sleep, drink water, take vitamins, etc.
Safety: safety reminders are always a good thing. I will have my husband go over self defense with our daughters and he did this a little with my son too. Being aware of your surroundings. Walking with friends. Note that Seth has his third degree black belt in Krav Maga and is able to teach our kids self defense.
Drinking and drugs: I personally said no drugs and be responsible if you drink. I don’t want Max do drink or do drugs. If our kids decide to drink, I just don’t want to see them overdrink, drive, or get in the car with someone who has been drinking.
Girls and dating: There is so much to teach our kids. I am hoping he will date at Cornell. I want him to date someone who is a good fit and who makes him better. I want him to be respectful and chivalrous and careful. Have the sex talk again! I know they don’t like it. Who cares.
Get involved and meet people: I want to see my son put himself out there and meet a lot of people and make friends. It’s much harder and more draining for an introvert. I have faith that he can do it.
Your space and laundry: I asked him to keep his room tidy and to remember to do laundry.
Those are just some subject areas to pass on. There were some feelings shared too. We are so proud of him. I am sitting here writing this wondering where the 18 years went. It went way too fast.
When we got home last night there was a present waiting for me. I bought myself a tulip ring. I got this idea from Mary Hatheway on Tik Tok. Letney Jewelers make them. You can get it in any color, and I bought myself red for Max because he was born in January and that is his birthstone. My husband pointed out that it also is the Cornell color. How perfect that it arrived while we were away and was waiting for me.
The emotional rollercoaster of motherhood is very real. There are more emotions than I ever could have dreamed of being a mom to three wonderful kids. I wouldn’t want to be on any other ride and it’s an honor to get to do it with Seth. He’s on the rollercoaster ride with me and has a lot of his own feelings. We will do this together. Change isn’t easy but it can turn out to be really amazing. I wish my son was home with me. I’m always going to be honest with you. However, I wish him well and will always and forever be his number one cheerleader. I hope this is an amazing and fabulous next chapter for him.
Here is the list of items that we purchased for Max for you to use and make your own.
Max Dorm Packing List Freshman Summer 2025
Two new pairs of sneakers
Winter boots
Slides
Coat
Umbrella
Flashlight
Shower Caddy
Shower shoes
Shampoo, conditioner, bath soap, shaving cream, razor, extra razor blades
Mattress pad
Mattress topper
Sheets
Comforter
Extra blanket
pillows
Reading pillow
Towels
Lamp with charging station
Vitamins
Electrolytes
Snacks
Protein snacks
Protein powder
Spiderman poster
Buffalo Bills Banner
Family photo
Ear plugs
Sanitizer
Motrin
Cough drops
Thermometer
Tissues
Paper towels
Cleaning spray
Disinfectant wipes
Extra garbage bags
Listerine
Deodorant
Toothpaste
Hairbrush
hair dryer
Carpet for room
Commando strips and hooks
School supplies – pens, pencils, pencil sharpener, notebooks, folders, stapler, tape, scissors. We will see if he needs more. He doesn’t like binders.
Desk organizer
Boot mat
Little safe
Air tags for keys, wallet, computer (lap top with case)
Electric toothbrush
Water pik
Zip ties – brought them didn’t need them
Nightstand with charging station
Bringing extra drawers in case he needs them – couldn’t fit it and didn’t need it.
Bringing a little cart with wheels in case he wants it – couldn’t fit it and didn’t need it.
Painter’s tape
Duct tape
Plastic dish set and dishsoap
Shaker cups for protein shakes and water
Handheld mirror
Dry erase whiteboard film surface
Nail clippers
Headband to wash his face
cleanser and moisturizer for his face
Pin tacks – didn’t need these
Expo markers and eraser
Permanent markers
Hangers
Woozoo fan
Two surge protectors – used one
Extension cord
Laundry backpack hamper and detergent
First aid kit
Roommate brought a brita filter
Room has a mirror we think
Room has a trash can
Roommate brought a tool kit and coat hanger.
Computer
headphones
Lap top with case
Backpack
Air purifier
Clothes: socks, underwear, sweatshirts, tshirts, shorts, long sleeve shirts, pajamas, bathing suit, dress clothes
Wallet with credit card, insurance card, student id and license
Key chain for room key
Door stop
Decided against fishing pole – may want it next time we see him
Football
Probably should have also sent a soccer ball and basketball.
His roommate got a basketball.
That’s my list so far! I am always learning a new phase with my kids. Just when we figure out a stage it’s time for a new one!
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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