On September 30, 2025, while I type this my children are ages 18, 16, and about to turn 13 in two days! I’m not sure how I got here to these ages but here I am. I’ve noticed how different parenting has become for me. We start out nurturing our little babies 24 hours around the clock. The next thing we know we have moved to playing with them. I vividly remember teaching my son Max the alphabet on the floor and him soaking it all up like a sponge. Do you remember the hours of reading the same books over and over to our children? We flow through the stages of parenting, and I have arrived at the stage of guiding and mentoring my kids. I try to step back a little more each day. Some parents do this naturally and some struggle. Maybe I can be helpful to you and maybe I’ll help myself along the way too.
I think we should always do things slowly bit by bit. My husband is laughing as he reads this. I tend to jump in and purge and he tends to organize things into chunks each day. He’s going to approve of my saying we do it a little each day. Test out the waters and see how your children do with more freedom and independence.
At first when my youngest daughter tried to kick me out of the kitchen I was upset. One of my main jobs has been feeding my family. When my daughter comes into the kitchen and starts to cook her own breakfast, I have completely changed my response to this. First when I saw this, I was sad and I would think things like, “She doesn’t need me.” Now my thoughts have totally changed to:
“Easier for me! I don’t have to do it.”
And
“Good for her. She’s learning skills and becoming more independent. This is the main goal of parenting. This is good.”
We want our kids to start to do things for themselves. This is a win/win on so many levels. I find myself stepping back more and more each day as my kids get older.
I said this in my last blog, and I’ll say this again: embrace that it’s easier. Every job that one of your family members does is one less thing for you to do. Celebrate that you don’t have to do something. Get excited about things throughout your day. It makes the day so much more enjoyable.
The next time your child does something on their own I want you to do the party dance. I want you to celebrate. This means that you are doing a great job raising your child. Picture me high fiving you.
My daughter told me I was nagging her the other day. I was annoyed with her tone and what she said to me. I also thought about that statement. We can tell our children how to properly say something to us, “How about you tell me to please let you do something on your own, nicely.” We can also reflect on what they are saying and hear them. They don’t want to be micromanaged. Your employees don’t want to be micromanaged and neither do our children. You may be telling me that they need you to do that. Do they? You can tell them that you do it because you think they need it. You can tell them that you will back off if they show you xyz. Spell it out for them. I can back off, and I can let her do it on her own. She can do it. She doesn’t need me to micromanage her. As we drove to school today, I asked my daughter if she studied for her two tests as I wasn’t home yesterday. She said yes and I thought to myself, “you didn’t need to ask her that question.” I was making myself feel better by asking the question but of course she studied for her tests. She has proved to me that she will do all her homework, and she will study for her tests. I may still check in and ask but I find myself backing off more and more and I know in my heart of hearts that this is a wonderful thing. A parenting success.
You can see how my view on this is giving me a good experience. You can see that I started out feeling sad that something wasn’t needed by me and that now I see how good it is. My perspective on a situation will make or break it for me. We can be sad, or we can be proud of ourselves and our children. I remember celebrating that we were done with diapers. I remember celebrating when my son got his license. Each step is a wonderful milestone towards raising a successful adult. I’m also going to tell you right now – I am an adult, and I still need my parents. You will always and forever be needed and loved.
We used to go with our kids on play dates. Now they are asking you to take them to Starbucks for the new protein latte. I realize that when we all sit down at the table for dinner it is more special. I realize that I cherish time with them more as they get older. The relationship grows and changes and the bond can get stronger and better.
I asked my friend Laura a lot of questions about her two college-age children. You can listen to my podcast The Whinypaluza Podcast episode 467 Your College Send Off Survival Kit with Laura that was super helpful. Laura explained that when her kids are home, they spend more time together and that it is more quality time now. She made me realize that just cause things are changing doesn’t make it worse. What if it gets better as our kids get older. As our kids become teenagers and adults, we can have more in-depth conversations with them. My daughter is 16, but she is an old soul, and we have very deep meaningful conversations.
We are so used to doing for our kids all day. I probably shouldn’t generalize that statement but a lot of us are doing stuff all day long for our family. Next time we go to do something, I want us to pause. Do we need to do this? Is this something that they need me to do or will they do this on their own. There are many times I trust in my kids, and I know that they will come to me to guide and mentor as needed. That doesn’t mean that I don’t check in with them.
I am learning this with you. We grow up with our kids and I’m learning and growing as a parent every day. Every day my kids or an expert teaches me something. I also think that it is very different with each child as all three of my kids are very different.
I would love to hear from you. Is this something that comes easy for you or are you struggling? I hope that you found this helpful. Please feel free to share your tips, successes and struggles with us!
Think of yourself as your children’s tour guide through this wonderful crazy life.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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