I was telling my husband the other day how not cool I am. It goes back to being an older sister. I didn’t buy my brother beer. I later found out that my boyfriend did, but I was totally clueless about all of this.
I also don’t buy my children beer or drugs. You may not be surprised by this, and you may be wondering why I would even say this. This is because there are a lot of parents who are not only buying their kids alcohol, but they are also buying their kids drugs too. I would be curious for you to tell me if this surprises you or if you knew this all along. As an uncool mom I am still very surprised by this parenting behavior.
I want to pause and tell you that I also don’t make a big deal of alcohol. My parents did this growing up and I think it really worked with me. They didn’t think twice about me tasting their wine or beer. This is how I am with my kids too. They are welcome to taste it and thankfully they tend to think it tastes terrible.
There have been no parties at my house with alcohol. I do understand what parents are thinking – they think that they would rather have them drink at their home while supervised. My preference would be that my kids don’t drink at all. While I am okay with the uncool mom title, I do want to be a realistic mom. I want my kids to be able to tell me anything. I want them to tell me that they went to a party and had a couple drinks. I also haven’t gotten to this age with my youngest child yet so stay tuned for the social butterfly.
If you are the one throwing the house party, I hope that you are making sure they aren’t going too crazy. I just read about a girl who just died while away at college. They are suspecting that she drank too much. I am the mom who scares my kids. I want them to know the dangers out there and I don’t try to protect them from it. I think a little fear is a good thing. I want them to know that they can die from drinking too much.
The good news is that taking an uber home is such a big thing right now. I hope that you are taking keys away. I hope that you are letting kids crash on your sofas or are making sure that they are taking an uber home. I tell my kids that they can call me at any time of night. I have gotten calls at 1 and 2 AM to give rides home. I will leave my phone on, and I will be that parent that will get up at any time and drive anyone home. The one thing that I focus on with my kids is safety.
I have told you to pick your battles many times. I have asked you to let things go. Safety is not something that I negotiate with my kids about. They have to learn to swim. They have to wear a helmet on their bike. They have to avoid driving or getting in a car with anyone under any influence. These are my non-negotiables. Let your kids know that they can call you any time of day or night and you will drive them or send them an uber.
As uncool as I may be, I also know what’s going on. That means that I need to make my children aware of what’s going on.
As a therapist I can tell you that I said something wrong the other day. I told my 13 year old that I never wanted her to drink alcohol or do drugs. High five on saying the wrong thing to my daughter. Thankfully, her response was, “Do you see how I am about what I eat? You think I am going to want to put that in my body.” Ok, so she gave me the perfect response. I am not a dumb mom. I am the mom that knows that teenagers get curious. I told you what not to say, but I am going to tell you something so much better to say:
“While I don’t want you to drink alcohol or do any drugs, I do want you to know that you can always come talk to me about anything related to this. You can tell me anything and I will be there for you. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me.”
While I said the absolute wrong thing to say – I now need to go repair this and say the better thing.
As parents we are going to screw up. We will say the wrong thing. We may yell. We may be too tired and cranky to deal with our children. This is my moment to remind you all that we are human beings who make mistakes. We will never be perfect, and our children will never be perfect.
My children’s high school makes you watch a video about drugs and alcohol. I watched it four years ago for my son. Four years later they are making me watch it again for my daughter. They don’t let your kids go to homecoming or prom unless you watch the video. This is a warning to all the parents in my school district who don’t have kids in high school yet. You have a video coming your way. I didn’t think I would learn anything. However, I am also that person who attends trainings knowing that I will come away with at least one new thing that I learned. The video taught me how many hiding spots kids have for both alcohol and drugs. I had no clue. Kids are very resourceful. You may think that you are steps ahead of your kids. I am here to tell you that our kids are smarter than us. I don’t care how much trouble you got into in school. I don’t care how much sneaking around you did or how much you think you know. Things have changed and kids just keep getting smarter. What can we do about this aside from searching their things. While we are on the topic of searching things, a mom told me to search their garbage. That is a smart mom. I still think kids are ahead of this fact but it’s good to know. So, what can we do:
Educate your kids. I know they make our kids take health. Make sure that your kids know how bad alcohol and drugs are for them. They can drink too much and die like this poor young college student that I just read about. Make sure they know that they really don’t know what drug someone is giving them. Make them aware of stupid games the kids are playing. Do you know that the kids are putting a bunch of pills in a bowl and think it’s fun to grab one to take? They don’t even know what they are taking. This is so dangerous. We have to talk to them about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Fear is not a bad thing.
Make sure your children know that they can call you any time for a ride with no judgement and no repercussions. Make sure your child feels ok with the fact that they can call an uber to get home safely.
Talk to your kids about watching their drinks. They need to keep their drink with them and monitor it. Anyone can slip something into their drink.
I would share stories with your kids about your experiences and other people’s experiences. I told my kids that I didn’t like the feeling that I get from drinking too much. The room starts to spin and that is a horrible feeling for me. I tell them that I am not a big drinker and why. I am not perfect by any means, but I try to go down healthy roads as much as I can. Just like I don’t think pop is good for me, I also don’t think alcohol is good for me, so I really limit it. What this means is that we want to be a good example. If you are out partying with your friends drinking a lot, then you are showing your kids that this is ok behavior. I also told them the story of the girl that just died at college from drinking too much. Share stories. Teenagers and young adults tend to think that they are invincible, and this is not the case. We need to remember that their brains are developing, and they still have a lot to learn.
We need to talk to our kids about peer pressure. I have experienced this and most of us have. Even as an adult I have experienced peer pressure. They don’t need to do anything to fit in. They don’t need to do anything because their friends are doing it. I tended to stand with the same cup all night long. There doesn’t even need to be alcohol in the cup. They can put pop or water in the cup. It’s no one’s business what they are drinking. They need to learn how to handle peer pressure. They can say things like, “No thank you.” Or “I’m good.” Or “I don’t drink.” Sometimes kids don’t know what to say in situations. Ask them how they handle peer pressure and give them examples. I don’t care if they roll their eyes at you. Underneath the eye rolls they are thanking you inside.
When I watched the required video for high school, a judge came on to talk about the consequences of drinking. She said it is a good thing to bring your kids to drug court so that they can see what kind of consequences the kids are getting. They need to know that not only are there consequences in your home but there are also consequences that are out of your hands. There can be really severe consequences for drinking and driving.
Hopefully the uncool mom has given you some valuable information. This was a topic suggestion from a wonderful friend. If you choose to be a cool parent, please do so as responsibly as you can. Let us all keep our children safe.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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