I was on the phone with my 19-year-old son who is away at college. There I was blaming myself on the phone. “Mom, it’s not your fault. It is never your fault,” my sweet son said to me. Why do I always blame myself for everything?
From my daughter’s impatience to my dog limping, I tend to direct the blame right to myself. The interesting thing that I noticed is that I don’t blame myself for the good things.
Do I blame myself for my children’s work ethic?
Do I blame myself for their kindness?
Why do I save all the blame for the challenges? Why do I even think that it’s all my fault?
Let’s talk about how to loosen the grip of self-blame! How can I change this dynamic that I have with myself? It took my recent phone call with my son to realize this pattern. My son was not amused that I was once again blaming myself. I appreciate it when my husband and children point out patterns that I have that I may be missing.
Notice the Inner Voice Before You Believe It
That harsh voice in your head?
The one that says I should’ve known better or that this or that is all my fault?
That voice is usually fueled by stress, exhaustion, and unrealistic expectations and not by facts.
Pause and ask: Is this helpful or harmful right now? Blaming myself only makes me feel bad. It certainly doesn’t help the situation. I’m bringing myself down instead of lifting myself up.
Separate Responsibility from Blame
You can reflect, learn, and grow without tearing yourself down.
Blame says: I’m a bad mom.
Responsibility says: That didn’t go how I hoped. What can I learn?
One leads to shame. The other leads to growth. I don’t know about you, but I would much rather grow from a situation than feel shame and blame.
Remember Parenting Is Not a Controlled Experiment
You can do all the “right” things and still have a child who struggles, pushes back, or has a hard day. There is something called temperament. I will tell you as a mom of three that my children came out very different from each other. I can also tell you that no one does it all right and I know that is a totally unrealistic expectation.
Kids are humans, not outcomes.
You are one influence and you are not the only one. My children are influenced by their peers, dad, social media, teachers, coaches, grandparents, etc. It is not all on me even though I may distort and think that sometimes.
Zoom Out to the Bigger Picture
One hard moment.
One mistake.
One rough day.
None of those define your parenting.
Kids don’t need perfection. They need consistency, repair, and love. I often ask myself this question that I find very helpful, “Will this matter tomorrow?”
Name What’s Actually Hard Right Now
Self-blame often shows up when something deeper is happening. You are probably feeling overwhelmed, burned out, scared, grieving and/or lacking support.
Blame is sometimes the brain’s shortcut when emotions feel too big.
Try asking: What am I really feeling underneath this blame?
Let “Good Enough” Be Enough
You don’t need to be calm all the time.
You don’t need to get it right every time.
You don’t need to meet impossible standards.
“Good enough” parenting is more than enough for secure, loved kids. I’m a recovering perfectionist who has embraced the good enough theory. “Good enough,” is one of my very favorite expressions that I need to remember on a daily basis. The perfectionist can still come out sometimes.
Remember That Guilt Is Not a Parenting Tool
Guilt doesn’t make us better moms; it just brings us down.
Motivation rooted in fear and shame doesn’t lead to healthy change.
Compassion does.
Practice Repair Instead of Rumination
You don’t need to endlessly replay what went wrong.
Repair teaches kids accountability, emotional safety and resilience. It also teaches them how to apologize. This is one of the greatest life skills that we can teach them.
A simple “I’m sorry, I’m working on that” goes a long way. Apologize (if you are at fault), learn from your mistake, and move along.
Give Yourself the Grace You Want Your Kids to Learn
Your kids are watching how you talk to yourself.
When you model self-compassion, you teach them so much. They learn that mistakes are survivable. They learn emotions are manageable. That their worth is not conditional
That’s powerful parenting. We don’t want to see them blame themselves for everything so why do we think it’s ok for us to do it?
Look for the proof
Just because we think it doesn’t make it true. What are the actual facts? Is this really your fault? Don’t go looking to make it your fault. Collect some data and see if there is proof that it is your fault. Multiple perspectives can also help with this because we can be too hard on ourselves. I am going to guess that it isn’t all your fault. If it is, then let’s learn from it and move on and stop beating ourselves up.
Blaming yourself makes you feel productive but it in fact it is just making you feel bad.
You are allowed to:
- Be human
- Have limits
- Learn as you go
- Need support
You are not failing.
You are growing.
I am talking to myself and to all of you. Let’s all remember this. It’s not your fault xo
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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