I was driving my daughter to school this morning, and she asked me about my agenda for the day. She often asks me to know what I will do all day while she is in school. I listed my errands, course work and blog I needed to write. I explained that I was trying to think of a good topic and she jumped in with several good ones including this topic. It’s amazing to me as my kids get older the things they tell me and teach me. It’s not just me teaching them, that is for sure.
I think our kids feel a lot of pressure every day. I have evidence of this with my three very hard-working kids. I have often wondered how Seth and I ended up with three overachieving kids. If you are ever wondering about something, you can often remember that the apple doesn’t fall far from the blooming tree.
I don’t know why I wonder about my hard-working children when they come from grandparents and parents who have a very strong work ethic. I love that we have taught them this, but it can be taken too far. It is one thing to work hard, and it is another thing to push yourself too hard and be too hard on yourself. How can we encourage our kids to have a good work ethic and to feel some pressure but not over the top pressure? What can we do? I often ask myself this question.
I know that it begins with me.
I have told you all this before but there is nothing that is more motivating to me than my children. I know that beating myself up is translating to teaching this to my children. I know that when my kids say that I am only human that I need to reinforce this and pass it back to them. If we routinely beat ourselves up, then we are just teaching our kids to do this. If we think what we do isn’t good enough then our kids will also feel that they aren’t good enough. We have these blank slates that are born to us and sponging up how we do life. I can’t think of something better to make us want to work on being our best selves. Best selves make mistakes. Just remember that.
Teach realistic expectations.
What are your children’s expectations. Do they expect to get 100 on every test and every homework assignment? Do they give themselves room for mistakes? Do they expect to win every game? We set ourselves up every day with realistic or unrealistic expectations. I love having them shoot for the moon, but I also love teaching them that they aren’t going to get 100 on every test no matter how smart they are.
Will this matter?
We all relate to a teenager melting down about something they think will end their world. They think a lot of things are a huge deal. Let me ask you this question: Does any adult really care if you were popular in school? Do you remember all your friendship drama, tests, or grades from high school? We can ask our kids questions like: “Will this matter to you in three months? Six months? One year?” That helps them to put things into perspective. Remember that every teenager tends to think that their world is over when something in their life occurs. My daughter Lillie was very upset that she didn’t get the position of Web leader in her school. Lillie has amazing grades and is an excellent student. She also participates in clubs and sports and is very good with little kids. She would have been the perfect Web leader. It’s very frustrating for both of us. The Web leaders (8th graders) get to help the 5th graders acclimate to middle school. She is still upset about it 7 months later. However, in a couple years I bet she won’t care.
Watch your words.
Even well-meaning comments like “just try your best” can feel loaded if your child already feels like their best has to be perfect. I do explain that their best does not have to be 100! Try focusing on effort and growth instead of outcomes. Sometimes saying “I love watching you learn” takes the pressure off in a big way. I was just telling my daughter how much I love seeing how much she enjoys the whole learning process. I love her interest in history and psychology. I love it when she comes home excited to tell me about the most recent AP Bio lesson.
Create a home that feels safe.
Our kids need at least one place where they don’t feel judged, evaluated, or compared. Let home be the place where they can exhale. That might mean holding back on correcting them right away and just listening first. I try to remember this when they come home and unload. Home should be the unloading zone. Home should be the place where they don’t feel like they have to hold it together every moment. My daughter Ella has always been so well behaved in school. I am telling you this because she came home one day years ago in middle school and told me that it was very hard to be quiet and well behaved all day. She said that sometimes she felt like a robot and that the expectations of kids all day at school didn’t seem very realistic. If Ella is feeling this way, I can imagine how all the kids must feel. It’s ok for them to let their hair down at home as long as they do it in a respectful manner.
Normalize mistakes.
If our kids think mistakes = failure, the pressure skyrockets. When we share our own mess-ups and laugh about them, we show them that mistakes are part of life and not something to fear. My daughter Ella is learning to drive. I just told her that I made a bad turn in Max’s car because I’m not used to his car. I’ve been driving for 33 years, and I still make driving mistakes. I say this as a normal part of life. I tell my kids about my mistakes. I don’t want them to think that they need to be perfect, and I don’t want them to think that I think that I am perfect. I am learning too. Learning and growing should be an ongoing thing for our entire lives!
Check the schedule.
We all want to give our kids opportunities, but too many activities can quietly turn into stress. It’s okay to leave space on the calendar. Boredom isn’t a bad thing and is often where creativity and calm show up. My daughter Lillie loves to be busy every second of the day. What I have realized is that I need to protect her from herself. Our kids don’t always know their limits. As much as I want her to be busy and thriving with all her activities, I also want her to have relaxation and down time.
Remind them who they are beyond achievements.
Grades, goals, and wins come and go, but who they are stays. Make sure your child hears often that they are loved for their kindness, their heart, and for just being them and not for what they accomplish. Focus more on their qualities and less on their grades and outcomes.
Compare to yourself.
One of the important lessons that my husband and I teach our children is that the only person that you should be comparing yourself to is yourself. You should be competing with yourself. If you want to run a little faster or lift heavier weights, then focus on your own numbers. We don’t want our kids to compete and compare themselves to their friends. We want them to set goals. These goals should not be based on what the next-door neighbor is doing. We can help them with this by showing them that we aren’t trying to keep up with the Jones family! I tell my girls often that I never cared about labels in high school and I still don’t. I wear what I like, and I don’t worry about what other people are wearing!
There is this delicate balance between wanting to raise your children to have a good work ethic and also wanting them to be kind to themselves. They can be hard workers and tell themselves that they are proud of their own effort. My husband Seth and I have very high expectations of our children. I know that puts pressure on them. We want them to be their best selves, and we want them to love and care about themselves along the journey. I think we can have both!
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
Check out my 
:
Whinypaluza Notes:
Whinypaluza Mom Group:
If you are looking for a supportive community, come join the free Whinypaluza Mom Facebook group. I created this as I wanted us to have a place where we can talk about tips, strengths and challenges we are having. It is another step I took to help everyone to know that you are not alone. Come jump in and join us and bring a friend with you! I love to give away prizes. This group is private so please find me on Facebook at Whinypaluza or Rebecca Greene and message me to ask for an invite. I’m also on Instagram @becgreene5 pand @whinypaluza_mom. I am also on Tik tok @whinypaluzamom.
The Whinypaluza Schedule:
Whinypaluza Wednesdays: My weekly blog comes out every Wednesday. I am always open to your topic requests. A new Vlog (video blog) also comes out every Wednesday night on Facebook at 9:00 PM Eastern time to discuss the blog. If you would rather listen to a podcast than watch a Vlog, you can wait for the following Wednesday, and the Vlog is released on my Podcast.
Family Fridays: Every Friday morning a new Podcast is released. Most of my episodes on Fridays are me discussing parenting and marriage with experts on the topic. If you would rather watch the Podcast instead of listen, you can watch it on You Tube. If you would like to be on my Podcast or know someone who would like to please message me on Facebook or Instagram or at whinypaluzamom@gmail.com
I would greatly appreciate it if you would subscribe, rate my podcast and leave me a five-star review. This leads to it being shown to more people that we can help. I appreciate it when you share my blogs, vlogs and podcasts with a friend so that we can build our community and help people one mama at a time. Every time you like and/or comment on a post it helps and is so appreciated!
