Feeling Like A Failure
It was Thursday night and my family was sitting down to dinner. I was feeling so sad as we all ate our food. I couldn’t shake this feeling of wanting to cry. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me! My kids finished eating and asked to leave the table. My husband and I finished eating and I stared at all the dishes in front of me. I started balling right at the table. My husband looked over at me concerned waiting to hear what was wrong. “I feel like such a failure this year!” There it was! It came out of me without my knowing what I was gonna say! Now I knew what was wrong with me all day! Actually that is what was wrong with me all week! Now I knew why I felt like crying! I just told myself what was wrong!
Seth looked over at me like I had ten heads. He couldn’t imagine how on earth I could be feeling this way. I knew he was confused so I told him I would explain! My schedule is completely different this year! My 9 year old Max and 7 year old Ella go to school all day. My daughter Lillie is four and goes to Univeral Pre-k. She got into the afternoon spot so she goes to school from 11:50-2:20 every day. It works really well for her. She can sleep in and relax and get ready for school and then go to school. I get my husband and two kids out the door and then I work on getting Lillie ready for school. We fight about her clothes, we fight about her eating something, we fight about a lot of things in the morning. Lillie is my baby! She is my sweet cuddler who also knows exactly what she wants! I have to give her clothes options or she flips out! Then she heads to my vanity and starts doing her make up! Yes, you heard me, she wants to put on make up every day! I don’t even care at this point because trust me when I say that I pick my battles with this one! Then Lillie asks me to do her nails (every day) and then she asks me to do her hair (exactly how she wants it). After this long routine I drag her downstairs and begin the food battle of trying to get her to eat something before school! She is never hungry before school and I usually try to get a smoothie into her! Before I know it it is time to get Lillie to school. I have two hours to fit in errands, laundry, dishes, cleaning, and working out! You can imagine how quickly the two hours go by! The next thing I know I am picking up Lillie and then Max and Ella! You all know the drill after school with kids: homework, activities and dinner are what are ahead of me!The next thing I know it is is 7:00 at night and I am wondering where the day went!
So, there I sat at 7 pm crying to my husband about feeling like a failure! Why you ask? I was feeling like a failure because my days were flying by. I was feeling this way because I couldn’t possibly fit in everything I wanted to do into my day! I was feeling hopeless and sad about what my days were looking like. My days were being sucked up from me and I was really sad about it.
“Stop right there my husband says. Are our kids happy and healthy? Are they doing well? Are they thriving? This is your life this year. It is ok! There is nothing you have to do except keep them happy and healthy. You are doing great! You are so not a failure! You are succeeding at your job and you don’t see it!”
There are times that I would wallow in my sadness. This was not one of those times! He is right!!!!! My kids were doing great at home, at school and at their extra curricular activities! Why was I being so hard on myself? Why do I do this? Why do I always feel like accomplishing things gives me worth? I don’t have to accomplish things! I have to take care of my kids and BE with them! I need to sit down and play with Lillie instead of doing laundry! I need to be enjoying every minute with Lillie! Do I find her to be difficult? Yes! Am I gonna cry when she goes to kindergarten? Yes! If my days are flying by I better start enjoying them. I am feeling successful at the end of the day based on everything I am accomplishing in a day! Is that really what life is about? I don’t think so!
Put down the dishes! Put down the broom! Put down the work you brought home! Put down your phone and go be with your family! Read a book, play a game, watch a movie! We don’t have to always be DOing something! Just BE with the ones you love! I have some shifting to do!
I am gonna go put down my phone and watch Wreck-it Ralph with my family!