You are a worthy person just as you are in this moment right now. You don’t have to be anything. You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to change anything. I am talking about you who you are in this very moment.
Don’t go try to argue with me right now. Just in case you are still struggling with this in your head. Let me give you my rebuttals:
You didn’t get anything done = you needed to rest. You are still worthy!
You didn’t get much done = why do we tie our worth to what we accomplish?
Your child isn’t listening or is acting out = your child’s behavior does not define your worth.
Your child is doing poorly in school = your child’s performance does not define your worth.
You and your spouse aren’t getting along = your relationship does not define your worth.
You got divorced = I repeat, your relationship, or lack of relationship does not define your worth.
You ordered pizza for dinner = cooking food does not define your worth.
Your house is a mess = Your house being clean, or a mess does not define your worth.
You can’t find a job = your job / career does not define your worth.
You lashed out at someone = No one expects you to be perfect. You are still worthy.
You are overweight = your weight does not define your worth.
You don’t deserve it = who made you the judge of if you deserve it?
I don’t know what you did = give yourself the same compassion and understanding that you would give to others. You are still worthy.
You still haven’t done xyz = your accomplishments don’t define your worth.
I don’t know the real you = the real you is still worthy.
You don’t make a lot of money = your salary doesn’t define your worth.
You don’t have a lot of friends = the number of friends you have doesn’t define your worth.
I can keep going. I will fight you all day and all night. The bottom line is that there is nothing that would convince me that you aren’t a worthy person.
I fight women all the time. I tell them how worthy they are and how wonderful they are. I can’t convince them. They have to convince themselves. They have to own it for themselves. That doesn’t mean I will ever stop trying.
I listened to a wonderful coach who said that we are worthy just because we were created. I don’t want us to use this as an excuse to do nothing, but this statement took a lot of pressure off me. I still notice myself doing stuff like this in my head: “You did two loads of laundry. You did the dishes, and you answered all your emails. Don’t forget all the cooking and errands you did today.” It’s as if I am still trying to justify myself to myself. To show myself that I did a lot so that I can feel good about myself. I catch myself doing this all the time and I cut myself off. I don’t need to go over everything I did that day.
Do we feel better if we give to others = yes.
Do we feel better if our house is clean = yes.
Do we feel better if we get a promotion = yes.
Do we feel better if our marriage is going well = yes.
Do we feel better if our children are behaving and succeeding = yes.
We can say yes and yes and yes until we are blue in the face but none of this is what makes you a worthy person. I am so happy that you have talents. I am so happy that you have flaws. You will grow and learn from your weaknesses. None of us were created to be perfect. None of us were created better than the next person. You may think Taylor Swift is more worthy than you are, but I will fight you on that. I will take on women (and men) for my whole life to work on shifting your mindset about yourself.
I have always been surprised by the kindness that we give to others and that it doesn’t reflect in the way that we treat ourselves. The love you give to others needs to also come back to you. In fact, love yourself first. The light you see in others also shines in you. If you don’t believe me, ask your best friend.
You were created to have strengths and to have weaknesses. We are supposed to learn and grow and build from this. We can even make our weaknesses and damage our superpowers. My husband and I had a long talk about that yesterday. We have both made careers from hurts we felt in our life. We have both grown and become better people from some of our biggest struggles.
Instead of judging your flaws or beating yourself up, let’s reflect together. Take some time to think about what you don’t like about yourself and see how that has become a strength in you. I’m going to give you a personal example to help you. I didn’t like how sensitive I was. I will cry easily. I have tremendous empathy. I used to not like this about myself. Now I see the strength in this. I see how this helps me be an empathic caring person. I see how it helps me be a better wife, mother, social worker…. I find myself criticizing myself for crying (again) but I’m learning to accept who I am as a person. I’m learning to love myself and be my own friend. Why would I want to be a friend to everyone else and not to myself? Why would I want to be the greatest cheerleader for my kids, my husband and my friends and not cheerlead for myself? It started to not make sense to me.
A mom just posted about potty training in my Whinypaluza mom group on Facebook. Please come join us if you haven’t yet. I am reading all the responses to this mom’s question, and I am filled with so much love and joy. A community of women supporting one another. Where was Facebook and this group when I had little itty bitty kids? I thought I had to have my kids potty trained. I thought I had to take the binky away to be a good mom. I thought I had to send them to preschool little to be a good mom. I thought they had to behave for me and others to be a good mom. I used to get embarrassed by tantrums they had in target over a toy or being hungry or tired. If I could go back, I would be so much easier on myself. I am telling you all right now that you are a good mom regardless of all this stuff that I listed. If you care, you are a good mom. If you try you are a good mom. If you are too tired to try – we all understand. Let us all turn these narratives around.
The next time you tell yourself that you are not worthy. I hope you will hear me or yourself fighting with you. Fight yourself. Fight other women. Let’s change this nonsense of not feeling worthy.
You are worthy today.
You are worthy tomorrow.
You were worthy yesterday.
From the bottom of my heart to you!