I knew that this summer would be hard – but as usual – I underestimated how hard. We are talking emotionally hard, and we are talking about a very very long to do list. I already felt busy with my life without adding more things on to it.
Let’s start with my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. It is this Saturday. I can’t even begin to tell you how much work I have done for this Bat Mitzvah. I’m going to be very honest and tell you that I didn’t even want to do it. My son’s Bar Mitzvah got canceled because of Covid. We did a Zoomitzvah. For my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, we had a very small celebration, and we had a blast. I did two. Isn’t that good enough? Nope – my husband said our third child needed to do it too. So, I have spent hours upon hours working on my list to please my husband and daughter.
My son Max and daughter Ella are pretty easy and could care less about details. Max picked a Monopoly theme, so we were going to do Maxopoly. Ella picked a Broadway theme, so we did Ella Way and she loved everything I did. I will never forget Ella dancing with her friends. That was a special and wonderful day.
For Lillie, we are doing a flower theme. It is her Blossom Bash. Picking a dress for myself feels exactly how planning the party feels – not easy at all. I usually find a dress easily, but I think the energy surrounding this is just not easy. I have lots of options and I will show up in something lovely. I am not going to stress about it. I have options.
Lillie is very into the details. Do you know what I have to say to Lillie: it’s not about the details! Do you know what it’s about: reading from the Torah! The service is easy breezy. The service will be beautiful. The party is not easy!
Here I sit taking a break from my to do list. I’m about to go email the Temple and then build Lillie a big L. If you are attending the Bat Mitzvah and you see all the details, you will see the hours upon hours that I have spent getting things done. Maybe someone can remind Lillie that it’s not about the details.
I have laughed.
I have cried.
I have gotten angry.
I have taken a lot of deep breaths.
It will be over on Saturday at 10 pm. I will be proud of myself, and I will also be beyond relieved that it’s over. What would be my advice to another mom? I would tell her not to wish it away. I would tell her to enjoy the journey. I would much rather be in my pool than build an L and seating charts. I will stay present during the ceremony and party, and I will do my very best to soak up every moment. Thankfully I have a photographer coming to help me with that piece.
Not only have I been slaving away at my Bat Mitzvah to do list, I have also been prepping my son to go to college for the first time. He graduated from high school and is moving into his dorm soon. So, right after I get through my Bat Mitzvah to do list, I will jump back into the dorm to do list.
My dining room has completely exploded with a Bat Mitzvah box section and a dorm section. I’ll get my dining room back soon but there is no rush for that. I will savor Max being home and having a really long drawn out summer goodbye. I am okay with the dining room chaos because that means Max is still here.
Am I ok?
I would say please don’t ask me if I am ok. I am not ok. I am overwhelmed with daily tasks and major mama emotions. However, I will be ok.
I will get through the Bat Mitzvah and make magical memories for all of us.
I will adjust to my son being away.
I miss him already and he’s still here.
As time passes, people adjust to changes in their lives. I am not worried about myself. I want to see my son adjust well to college. I want to see him like his classes, make friends, eat three healthy meals, drink water, and get good sleep. I want to see him do his laundry and take care of himself. I am hoping he calls and says he loves it. If he’s ok, that is what matters.
I started this a few days ago. I sit here crying at 6 am as I finish this. I can’t even begin to tell you how many July tears there have been. Tears of stress. Tears of sadness. Tears of overwhelm. It’s amazing how much I miss Max, and he is still here.
So, here is my advice to myself and others:
Stay present. Max is still here.
Be excited. I couldn’t be more excited for Max’s next chapter. He worked so hard in high school and he deserves this and he will thrive. It’s a time for celebration. Especially because he gets to go to the school that he has dreamed of going to.
Build in some time with Max. Go to the creek with him and join in the fun.
Tell myself it’s ok to be sad. I don’t need to fight it or deny it. It just is.
Decide to enjoy the Bat Mitzvah tasks. That L that I told you that I was building took me two hours, but it turned out beautiful. Next up is the balloon arc. I am setting an appointment with myself to enjoy making that tonight to add a beautiful touch for my daughter. Instead of dreading tasks, try to enjoy them.
My mom came over last night and did the seating chart. I started it. I stared at it. I needed help. Ask for help mamas. We aren’t so good at it. Special shout out to my mother for putting her dinner on hold to save the day. I need my mom. Moms are magical.
My mom told me how excited she was for Saturday. We have family coming in from out of town. It is going to be such a special day. Instead of all the stress and all the to do lists – it’s time to get excited.
Get better at delegating! I can admit that I have a lot of skills and special touches to add to the Bat Mitzvah. I can also tell you that I am not very good at delegating. I had wonderful friends ask me how they can help. I will admit – I don’t know? Thank you to my wonderful friends. My mom kept asking how she could help. My mother in law asked how she could help. This is a special skill that we could all get better at. My friend Meggan is an excellent photographer. I could have handed her all my pictures and asked her to create picture boards for me, and she would have done it for me. She offered! She offered to help many times. So did Liz, Marcy and Nikki. Kristin is our fabulous graphic designer who designed the invitations, thank you cards and sign. She would have done more. We have to ask! I am so blessed with wonderful people in my life. Special thank you to Clare for just telling me things that she can do to help me. Clare’s business is Clare’s Little Bites. She is amazing. From baskets, to favors, to desserts, to appetizers, to a candy table. Hire her to help you – you will be so thankful that you did. I am so thankful for all of her help and support. You can reach Clare by text at 716-887-1839.
As I run around with Lillie today this is my decision:
I will enjoy seeing her try on her dress at her dress fitting.
I will enjoy seeing her come out of her orthodontist appointment excited to have purple rubber bands to match her theme.
I will enjoy seeing Ella and Lillie get their nails done to match their dresses for the big day.
I will enjoy taking Lillie to present Make A Wish with a big check. My daughter raised $1500 for Make A Wish for her Bat Mitzvah Project (with the help of her wonderful parents). I am so proud of her.
I will enjoy taking her to her tumbling class so she can improve her skills.
I will enjoy building a balloon arc.
I have made an appointment with myself to enjoy the journey today.
We get so caught up in the day to day tasks. Let’s all take a deep breath and enjoy life. All of these little and big things every day can be dreaded or enjoyed. I am not only going to enjoy today – I am also going to make an appointment with myself to put my feet up on Sunday and say, “Good job me!”
Pulling off awesome parties and raising awesome kids.
As I write this I am feeling a little more okay. I will be okay. Please don’t ask me.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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