“Can I go on this trip?”
“What about this one?”
“I’m so sorry there is one more!”
Three weeks in a row Seth has been traveling for work. Lillie’s friend looked at me and said, “He’s away again?” I know. I agree.
Seth says there is a pause in his travel, but we shall see. I don’t get attached to that statement. I also don’t really want him to travel a lot in the summer. It’s such precious time in Buffalo, NY. We only get so much nice weather to enjoy the outdoors together.
There was a time when I resisted his travel. There was a time when I even said no way. When the kids were little, it was so overwhelming when Seth traveled for work. When we have an intense weekend like last weekend, it is also overwhelming when he travels. However, I have learned so much over the years, and I always like to share that with you.
A lot of you who follow us know that Seth works major full time and I work part time (at the job that pays me). I work major full time with our kids, house and running the household duties. I try not to ask Seth for any assistance as often as I can during the workday.
I am very fortunate that he loves what he does and has a wonderful team working with him. I also know that these work trips are really good for Seth, our family and his team.
He makes good connections.
He gets more business.
He gets new ideas.
He gets assistance with any challenges he is having.
He gets invigorated.
I see as his wife that it’s good for him. I think maturity has made me see all the good in his work trips. I also think I am out of the haze of little kid madness. Teenagers still bring madness don’t get me wrong. It’s just a very different kind of crazy.
I miss him a lot when he travels. He feels the same way. I also want to give you some suggestions for when your spouse may travel!
Seth and I find shows that we both like to watch together. We tend to wind down with a tv show before we go upstairs for bed. When Seth is away, I put on my reality tv that I know that he doesn’t want to watch. What can I watch that Seth doesn’t like? It’s a fun question to ask myself!
I also rarely cook when he’s away. Lillie is really good for me in the food department. She really likes it when I cook. She wants to eat healthy every night and really doesn’t like junk food. She encourages me to cook more because I see the excitement and appreciation on her face when she sees a healthy dinner made for her on the table.
However, I try to take as many breaks as I can when Seth is away. What can I do less of? How can I make my life easier? That means finding food out more often when he’s away that Lillie will eat.
So, what have I learned over the years about Seth traveling:
Focus on the good part of it. How good his work trips are for him. He comes back in a better state than he left in.
Figure out how to make my job easier at home. Cook less. Clean less. Lower the bar!
This is not a time to make sure the house is perfect or that the laundry is all done!
This past weekend we had so many things going on that it kept me so busy. Busy is good. Too busy is not good and it really did exhaust me. When we aren’t busy and Seth is away, it’s a good time to make some of my own plans. What can the girls and I do together? Time with my parents. Time with my friends. How about filling in a fun appointment for myself? My friends are so good at making nail appointments, facials, massages…..I could definitely get better about this and have a more regular routine to make myself feel well cared for.
Focus on how we all benefit from Seth’s travels. You know we have a child in college; you know that we have a lot of expenses. We all benefit from Seth making more connections and getting more business.
This is not a time to feel guilty about accepting help. I love that when I talk to the women in my community that I am hearing more teamwork and less guilt. Gone are the days of me feeling guilty asking for some help. My parents and my friends tell me to ask any time. We just need to listen. I interviewed an amazing woman who told me that we were never meant to parent alone. She said it’s not about the nuclear family. How did it become about the nuclear family? That makes us stressed out. It’s about the village that we build.
You may have to say no more when your spouse is away. We don’t have to say yes to everything. Whether it’s saying no to your child, family member or friend. I had just sat down on the couch to watch a show. I was completely exhausted and Ella sat down and asked me for help. I just didn’t have it in me and that’s ok. It’s ok to ask to do it another time. It’s ok to say no. We all need to hear that and practice that.
Don’t keep score!! Don’t start listing everything that you are doing at home while he/she is away. That is just going to frustrate you, make you angry and is not good for your marriage. They are working too. In fact, Seth’s workdays are so long when he is away that I have no desire to go with him. He has asked me several times. People wonder why I don’t go. First, I would like to be home to run things at home. Second, I would just be entertaining myself all day while he was busy at work. Some of you think that sounds wonderful. It would be relaxing. The purpose of me going away with Seth would be to spend time with him. Not sitting by the pool with a book by myself. Some of you are drooling as I write that.
I have learned how to cope better with work trips. Some days are better than others. Some work trips are better than other work trips depending on my state.
To all the parents holding down the fort while your spouse travels, I see you. We are so much stronger than we think we are. Doing it well does not mean we are doing it perfectly. Give yourself extra grace. Hopefully you can grab a tip and some strength from me. Let us know if you have any tips if your spouse travels. Let us know what resonated with you. Let’s hope that I get travel break. The next trip will include all of us.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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