When I was younger, I was so obsessed with fitting in. I wanted the way I talked, the things I cared about, and even the way I looked to be the same as everyone else. I knew difference is what makes us stronger, but I thought I was the bad kind of different. The kind that gets you called “weird” and makes it hard to make friends.
Slowly but surely I began to accept myself and every year I got more confident. Sure I still cried and had no real concept of myself, but at least I knew I deserved friends. I spent a lot of time in this part of my life. That’s the danger of being too in your head about things, you end up convincing yourself that you’re always wrong, that you’re always the problem. My lack of self confidence came from over analyzing everything myself and others did.
I wish I could tell that version of myself to just let things go. Every conversation didn’t need to be carved into my memory and replayed over and over again. We all have to learn to just move on with our lives. I finally had a healthy and functional view of myself when I stopped letting every little interaction define me. Yes, I have awkward moments, but that doesn’t make me an awkward person.
Once I started letting things go I got better at socializing. When I stopped expecting every conversation to go perfectly I stopped caring about imperfections and just talked. Not only that, but my mental health massively improved. I stopped being anxious all the time.
Sure, I can still be very awkward, but 9 times out of 10 I’m perfectly fine. I try not to let the 1 define me. There’s also so much more to who I am than how I socialize. I don’t need to convince myself that I’m a horrible person because I’m not perfect. Mistakes don’t need to eclipse everything we do right. I wish I could tell my 13 year old self that.
Until next time,
Ella
