For those of you who don’t know, my son is a sophomore at Cornell. He is very busy going to classes, studying, and working in two labs. When I talked to him last night, he had just gotten back to his room and was deep into his studying for upcoming exams.
I have been pretty silent about the Cornell news and taking it all in. So many people in my village have reached out to me to see how my son Max has been doing with all the Cornell news. I am thankful to tell you all that Max has not been affected by all that is going on in the new and on campus. He is very focused on what he needs to be doing to succeed. He is driven and passionate and I am thankful that he is not bothered. There are students feeling the weight of what’s going on. I know that it is having a negative impact on many students.
Even though my son is ok and focused on his own stuff, there is still so much that we can all learn from all of this. The terrible news is what we are all reading and hearing about that happened. The “benefit” in this is that it is bringing sexual assault, consent, drugs, parties and more to the spotlight for some hard lessons.
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It was hard sending my son away to college. Max is our oldest and it was one of my hardest days driving away from campus and leaving him there. I felt as though I was leaving a piece of my heart. We all want our kids to be safe, healthy and protected. Especially when they aren’t in our home where we can watch them and take care of them. I told my daughter who is a senior in high school that as hard as it was to have Max go away to school, it is ten times harder to drop off a daughter. She calls me sexist. I hear her and her annoyance with me but there are good reasons for this. Max is a big weightlifter. He is strong and big and as much as I may worry, Ella is half his size. It is so different with girls. If you have a daughter, you probably understand. Or you are going to write to me and tell me that you agree with Ella. Hopefully you understand where I am coming from.
My big question that I will ask my children is: What did you learn from what happened at Cornell?
What do I want them to learn:
For girls:
Look out for each other. Have discussions with your friends about protecting and being there for each other.
I talk to my girls about watching their drinks. Keep it with you and watch it. Even water.
I say NO to drinking and drugs. How about zero of both! I also say NO to vaping and smoking when I talk to my children about this. I hope my kids will keep a good head on their shoulders about this topic. I’m also not naïve. Teach them about being responsible. Have the hard conversations.
Learn the word NO. Use it. Even if it starts out as yes, you are allowed to change your mind. Let whoever you are with know what you are comfortable with and what you aren’t comfortable with. Avoid being pushed into situations that you aren’t comfortable with. If you aren’t sure – doubt = no. It is best to err on the side of caution.
What can we give our girls to help keep them safe? An alarm / the birdie for example. Give them tools to keep with them to help them.
Every time we go on a tour of a campus they show us safety precautions around campus. Go over this with your daughters and your sons.
Always trust your instincts. If something feels off, then listen to yourself. Don’t worry about what everyone else will think. Worry about what you think. Safety first.
Have an exit plan. Have your phone charged. How are you planning to get home? Who can you call? Who can you rely on? Always have a solid plan.
For boys:
Here’s the thing about consent. We can teach our boys about consent, but there is a lot to it. A girl may give consent, but they need to be checking in with each other because things change. It’s complicated and both boys and girls need to understand that. If you are unsure ask! Silence doesn’t equal consent. Being drunk makes it even more complicated and doesn’t = consent. Just because someone has other experiences also doesn’t give consent.
Excelling in school, athletics, clubs, etc. is great, but what truly matters most? What matters to me is who I am raising. What kind of kids am I raising? Are they kind? What is their character? Almost every mom has wondered what their son would have done in that situation. We all want to hope that they would have done the right thing. What does that even look like? Do we want them standing up to the boys and getting into a fight? Do we want them to call someone for help? We want our children to do the right thing. We want them to not be influenced by the very wrong things that their friends do.
Group think can lead to bad things. We want our boys to keep their smart heads on their shoulders. We want them to keep their values and confidence in check and not just do what everyone else is doing. That takes strong confidence, morals, standards, maturity, and intellect. We also want them to be a part of groups that share good morals and values with them. Every group is not for our kids.
Learn that rejection is a part of life. Our sons will hear no from girls, jobs, internships, friends, etc. It is something for them to realize is a normal part of life. Being able to handle rejection is an excellent sign of maturity. It doesn’t diminish their worth or their masculinity.
We don’t want our sons to ever hurt anyone else and we don’t want them to watch others get hurt either. Who are their friends? Are they picking good people to spend their time with?
We want to teach our sons to speak about women with respect. Whether they are with their friends, their parents or their sisters, we want them to talk about women in a positive and respectful way.
I want my son to be someone that people feel safe and secure around. I hope his future girlfriends and wife feel this. I hope his friends who are girls feel this. Be the man that people feel safe with.
Let’s not forget that our sons can be pressured into things that they don’t want to do too. We want our sons to learn the word no. We only want them to be in situations that make them comfortable. They need to be able to stand up to people. They need to be able to get themselves out of situations. I know we don’t talk about this as much, but this is important too.
We always want our children to do the right thing when nobody is watching them. We want to raise good humans.
This was a terrible incident. It has been in the news everywhere. It is bringing important conversations to a lot of homes. Use this to have the hard conversations with your children. These are important and necessary conversations to have with your children.
Since my son has been at Cornell, we have seen headlines about students hunting a bear and now this. I hope the next headline can bring some positive light to Cornell. It has been a positive light in my son’s life. He has awesome professors. He is working hard. He is getting great grades. Let’s not forget the greatness of Cornell and let us all bring purpose to the pain of the headlines. Let’s all help our children be safe and make good decisions.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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