A week ago, I arrived home from dropping my son off at Cornell. I asked myself, “How could I have dropped my son off and left him there all alone?”
I knew it was the “right” thing to do but it couldn’t have felt more wrong all through my mom bones. I continued to cry and cry for days. My friend told me she cried for a week. I had moms telling me:
I still haven’t adjusted.
It gets easier.
This is what they are supposed to do.
Healthy birds fly the nest.
You gave him wings to fly.
You are a good mom.
How you feel is so normal.
It is amazing how much better I always feel when people tell me that how I feel is totally normal. When people normalize something, it takes the air out of it. It makes it feel ok to just be sad.
What is helpful that people have said to me:
What you are feeling is normal. – normalize
It is hard for me too. – empathy and understanding.
Our kids always feel connected to us even when they aren’t with you. – great outlook. Super helpful.
They will always rely on you for love and support. – thank you friend.
They will aways need their mom! – Bingo! The winner. Thank you!!
What is not helpful:
You gave them wings.
This is what they are supposed to do.
This is what stage you are in.
Not helpful friends.
A week later with a clearer head I can see some tips to help myself and others.
This is not the end – it just looks different.
I’m not done being Max’s mom. I will be his mom forever and always. My role will change and that’s ok. I will still get to see him. He doesn’t live here but he is close, and it could be so much worse. I’m so glad we didn’t let him apply to Berkley across the country. That would be even harder for me.
Celebrate!
I can go down a rabbit hole of sadness or I can celebrate Max’s success. I can celebrate how hard he worked to get here and that he achieved his goal. I can celebrate what Seth, and I have done as parents to help him get here. This is pretty amazing. Max is at his dream school as I type this. He imagined it and then he worked to make it happen. It goes to show everyone that you can make your dreams come true. If your child left for college and you are feeling sad – I want to invite you to take a time out and give yourself a high five for how far you and your child have come.
It’s ok to be sad
I think giving myself permission to be sad makes it easier. Telling myself how normal it is. It makes me a normal mom missing her kid. Max knows how I feel. He knows I miss him and that I’m so proud of him. I can be sad, and I can be excited, and happy at the same time. I am a pro at emotions. I know how to have lots of feelings. I need to feel my feelings and give myself grace and understanding just like I would have for anyone else.
Growth
Every year when I send my kids to school, I am amazed by the growth they make from September through June. They start in August/September as one version of themselves and by the end of the school year they have always changed in wonderful ways. I can only imagine the difference I am going to see in Max from the time I dropped him off in August through the date he moves out in May. I am excited to see how he changes and grows into an even better version of himself.
My advice to myself and the parents out there reading this as our kids begin a new school year:
Make sure they know they can come to talk to you about anything. Try to be calm and cool when they do so we reinforce them talking to us. Overreacting is a good way to get our kids to not want to talk to us.
Get ready for ups and downs along the way and try to stay a calm force in their waves.
Instead of getting sad as our kids get older, let us celebrate and embrace each stage. I am talking to myself here. I told my friend today that I was meant to have babies and I wasn’t meant to launch them. It just means it’s going how it is supposed to go.
Trust in the process.
Every year we put a lot into our kids and will see a return on that investment. Meaning you will see their growth and resilience and ability to handle the new school year.
I will always tell you to talk to other moms. I have had two get-togethers with moms of college age children, and they were both so helpful. We need each other. I need to plan something for the dads!
I will trust. I will get excited. I will celebrate how far my whole family has come. I will also still find myself sad times and that’s normal and okay. A month from now I am hoping it is even easier than it is today!
I tried to get myself to write about the beginning of school like Ella did. Go read her Teenage Tuesday column Dear Freshman about starting the school year. You see where my head is at. My head is with Max. Wishing him and all our students a fabulous year. If you are reading this then I have no doubt that you are a good parent who puts a lot into your parenting. It is going to be a good year. I told my daughter that the way that I got through it all was knowing that my mom was always there for me. So, here we go into another new school year. It’s full of so much hope and freshness. Let your kids know that you are there for them and buckle up for the ride. I say parenting is never dull. We are in this together. Let’s go parent our kids successfully through another school year whether they are living with us or not. I am still parenting 2.5 hours away from Max and I will never stop parenting.
Cheers to another successful school year. Cheers to a lot of growth and change.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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