I grew up with dogs. I think dogs are amazing. There is absolutely nothing like a dog’s love. I tried to explain this to my husband who grew up with cats. I love our cats and I also wanted a dog. I asked Seth for 15 years if we could please get a dog.
My friend posted her Golden Retriever puppy, and I instantly messaged her to ask her where she adopted her from. Seth said that if he was going to get a dog, it would be a Golden Retriever. She gave me the contact information and told me there was one puppy left. She said, “Go get him.” I showed Seth the gorgeous photo of Millie and he agreed to go meet this last puppy. Seth said he knew that we would come home with him.
Max and Ella had grown up with cats and said it was a bad idea. Ella told me that she was afraid of dogs and was angry with me for considering this. I knew Ella would fall in love with our little puppy when we brought him home. I knew Max and Ella had no idea what they were saying. I also knew that Lillie is always up for anything.
You don’t know what you are missing until you know. The family fell hard for Tanner. Seth, who never wanted a dog, grew super close to his buddy. As much as Tanner loved Seth, the kids, his grandparents and all our family and friends, he was definitely a mama’s boy.
It was over six amazing healthy years with Tanner. Last year Tanner and I fell outside in the winter. My shoulder hurt (still hurts) and Tanner started limping. I felt so bad because I think I may have fell over him? I don’t even remember it all became a blur. I just remember letting go of his leash to brace myself for a hard fall. Tanner went down too. He ran over to check on me and we hobbled home.
I took Tanner to several vets over the year to try to get him the help he needed. The limp grew worse and I was so worried about him. Everyone commented on it who saw him and I kept saying that I was working hard to try to fix him.
Tanner went to the dog chiropractor who is also a vet. Tanner got medicines, steroids, laser, acupuncture, chiropractic and PT to try to help him. I was at a loss as the X-rays and bloodwork continued to show that nothing was wrong.
Our vet sent us to the dog neurologist, and she said Tanner needed an MRI. We prayed and hoped it was something that she could easily repair. We had no idea what she was going to tell us. She told us that Tanner had a big tumor wrapped around his nerves. She also said that she couldn’t take the tumor and leg off because it had also gotten in his spinal cord. She gave us meds to manage his pain and said that was all we could do. We were crushed.
I gave Tanner as many vitamins and supplements and pain meds as I could in my huge attempt to help my buddy. I took him back to the neurologist for a check up and she told me the lung report came back and that there was also cancer in his lungs. It just kept getting worse. My baby was almost 7.5 and I didn’t know if he would see his 8th birthday.
As time went on, Tanner was struggling to walk. We wouldn’t let him on the stairs anymore because we were so scared he would fall and he was so heavy and hard to manage. Seth and I took turns sleeping downstairs with Tanner and he was not happy to not get to go upstairs where he was so used to sleeping.
Tanner started crying and panting frequently. He would lay on the couch or floor, and we would get so nervous every time that he would stand up that he would fall over. I don’t know why I was wondering why my back was hurting as I attempted to help him walk.
I laid on the couch at 3 am looking at my beautiful, wonderful dog trying to get comfortable on the floor. I asked him to come cuddle me on the couch and get off the floor and he listened. It was at that moment that Tanner and I knew. I knew that it was time.
I was trying so hard to wait for Max to see Tanner on Friday. Max was coming home for a long weekend. I decided that I just couldn’t watch Tanner suffer anymore. I let the girls know before school. They both seemed to want to go to school which surprised me. We called Max and let him know what was going on and he was very understanding.
I found Dr. Dunne from Paw in your heart. Dr. Dunne is an angel. When she walked through the door, I knew that the perfect person was sent to us to help us through this. I can’t even begin to tell you how good she was with Tanner, Seth and I. Max was on face time with us as we said goodbye to our boy.
I still can’t believe that my baby is gone as I type this. Tanner was with me every day all day. He was my shadow, my best friend, my buddy, my little (big) love. He was a total mama’s boy, and I couldn’t have loved him more. It was worth the wait for my dog. My dog who I pray is running pain free in heaven. I asked Tanner to show me that he was running now. I hope one day that he can show me in my dreams.
I miss him by my side every day. I miss him asking to come with me in the car. I miss his love. I miss him so much. I keep thinking that I see him around the house.
Grief is an interesting thing. I had a throbbing headache for days. I was nauseous and had many times that I couldn’t even look at food. I feel like I can go through all the stages of grief in one day. My wonderful family and friends keep asking how I am doing. I am just sad. I think I will be sad for a while. When someone makes me laugh it is truly incredible these days.
Thankfully Max came home for a long weekend. I really needed him around and needed some Max hugs. I threw myself into his laundry and did my best to stay busy. I know it’s ok to feel sad. I keep reminding myself of that.
I knew that I wanted a dog. I had no idea how much I would love Tanner. He was meant for us. He truly taught me:
Go after what you want. I knew in my heart that I wanted a dog. I want to encourage all of us to make our dreams come true. Whether that is an animal or a trip. Go after your dreams. Tanner was my dream come true.
Get outside! Tanner walked with me every day. He looked forward to his daily walks and rides in the car. I got so sad when he couldn’t walk with me. I really miss my walks with him. His love for walks and nature were contagious.
Stop and smell the roses – and trees, and every single fire hydrant. I wanted to walk and Tanner wanted to smell. I did my best to take my time with him and let him enjoy all the smells. He wanted a leisurely smell walk. We can all learn from him. We all need to slow down. Tanner would slow me down.
Tanner taught me about grief. He taught me that deep love brings deep grief. I am just going to be sad, and I am going to miss him. I am trying to process daily that he isn’t here with us anymore.
He taught me about love, patience and presence. The way that he looked at me was pure love. I miss that look. I pray he knows how much he is loved. He taught me patience as he played games not wanting to come into the house. I looked outside and he was laying in the snow looking around. He loved the snow. He was happy to just be outside. We can all learn from him.
Our dogs teach us so much. I can’t even begin to tell you all how much I miss him.
Our cats miss him too. We have two cats Faith and Joy. Max named them in honor of my cat Hope that passed away. Faith and Tanner slept in my room every night. I am deeply missing both of them sleeping with me as Faith won’t sleep in our room (yet). Joy is hiding and won’t come upstairs from the basement. They are both out of sorts and missing their brother. Tanner was the leader of their pack. We are all feeling off having such a big presence from the house missing.
Time heals all wounds is a saying for a reason. I went from non stop tears to tears coming here and there. I see the progress I am making daily. We all need time with grief.
If you have a dog, I want to ask you to all give your dog some love in Tanner’s honor. Tanner’s memories will live on forever. He was a blessing to my family. I will love him forever and always. Run pain free now Tanner. Mommy loves you.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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