A wonderful psychiatrist just told me that there are stages of grief in parenthood. I can’t get this statement out of my head. It spoke to me. I have never thought about it in that way. It was such a brilliant thing for her to tell me at a time that I needed to hear it. I get to talk to such amazing experts every week for my job. My goal is to bring helpful content into the universe, and sometimes I forget that the content is helpful for me too.
The stages of grief begin when we start to put away the newborn baby clothes.
It continues when our babies start eating food.
Begin walking.
Outgrow toys.
Start preschool.
Move on to elementary school, middle school and high school. Don’t get me started on having them leave for college.
When they tell you that they don’t want to do a sport or instrument anymore.
When their interests change and you were attached to the old interests.
When they don’t want to tell you something.
When they all leave at Halloween and you and your husband have a date in the driveway.
When they want to be with their friends more.
If they move away.
There are so many little ways and big ways that we grieve along the way during our parenting journey. I don’t feel like we talk about this enough. I may mention to my husband, mom, friends that I am sad about something. I don’t realize that I am grieving.
We find as mothers that we feel a lot of things at once. I feel such happiness that Max is at the school that he wants to be at, but I am sad he isn’t here.
I am so happy that Lillie is at a party with her friends having fun. I am sad that they aren’t at my house.
If you are grieving a stage that has ended, you are not alone. We are all in this together. We are all on this incredible, amazing, exhausting, overwhelming, sad, fabulous parenting journey together. It is what I have always wanted. When I dreamed of having children, my dreams were always of babies. I was always holding a baby. I never thought through all the stages. I didn’t think that down the road my oldest child would be turning 20 in a couple of months. How did I get here? They always tell us that the days are long and the years are short. We all understand that when our kids are my children’s ages. I am currently parenting a 19-year-old (almost 20), 17-year-old and 14-year-old. Life looks very different today. My eyes are watering as I type this for all the reasons. I’m sad that they are so old and yet so proud of all of them.
Maybe if I tell you how I am coping through the grief then it will be helpful to both you and I. Let’s talk about coping!
I have moments like right now when the tears are falling and I just let them fall. I have moments of pure happiness seeing them all doing their thing. I just watched Lillie play flag football. I am about to watch Ella in her play. I had a wonderful conversation with Max about his plans for the future. There is a lot of joy and some sadness mixed in there too. I take it all as it comes and I am trying to get better at just letting myself feel all the things.
When I normalize things, it takes the air out of it. I know that what I am feeling is normal. I know that I am not alone. Both of those things help me to cope with most things.
I know that I am not in this alone. I know that my husband and parents grieve through these stages with me. I know that my friends are experiencing similar things. I go to my supports to talk to them about my feelings. Sometimes I get good ideas from my village too about how to cope.
One of the things I have realized along the way is that I need things that I am excited about for me. I am excited for my kids and all the things they are doing. I am excited for my husband and all the big things he tells me about that he has going on. What about me? I have to have things too. Make sure that you have things in your life for you that excite you and bring you joy. A new thing as your kids get older is even better. Maybe there is something that you have always wanted to do that you didn’t have time for.
Something that I strongly recommend for all of us is to make intentional plans with your children. As they get older and more busy, we still need to make time for family. You can schedule a family dinner at home or at a restaurant. You can schedule a family vacation. We scheduled apple picking as a family. Make sure to still make time for family plans. Teach your children to prioritize family time too. If they are out of town, it becomes harder but is still possible.
Make intentional plans as a family and also make time for individual time with each child. At every stage of parenthood our children will always feel special when we make some time for them. It makes the parent and the child happy to have some one on one time. Seth was so happy when Max asked him to go fishing with him.
We’ve made time for the family and time for the children. I also want to add in plans as a couple and plans with friends. I find balancing it all for me can be overwhelming. I want to make sure my kids have some friend plans. I want to make sure that we have some friend time. Then I think to myself, when was the last time you and Seth went on a date? It can all be a lot to manage but it will help us cope. Have the date night. Have the friend time. Fill your life with people. Our people help us through all the things.
Remember to celebrate along the way. Celebrate who your children are. What they are doing. The parent that you are that has gotten them this far. There is so much to celebrate. When we look at the positives in anything it helps us to cope.
I’m learning that one of the greatest challenges of motherhood is continually letting go.
We let go of the baby who needed us to fall asleep. The toddler who reached for our hand. The elementary school child who wanted us at every school event. The teenager who once told us everything.
With each goodbye, we meet a new version of our child. I don’t think we ever completely stop missing the earlier versions. I don’t think we have to. We can miss who they were, love who they are, and look forward to who they’re becoming. We are not losing our children. We are learning new ways to love them. I invite us all that while we grieve what was, let’s all embrace what is. Love the stage you are in with your children. Enjoy it. Celebrate it. Always find the joy.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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