Moms, dads and kids, we can all do hard things. That is one of the many things I learned this year as a college mom for the first time.
I am so happy to write that my husband Seth, son Max, and I all got through Max’s freshman year. It was a very happy day when we headed there to pick him up and pack him up to come home. It is so much more fun heading there to get him than it is to bring him back. I know that he is at the college that he wants to be at. That makes it a little easier. It has been an interesting year full of adjustments and changes. My son went off to college and my dog passed away. I am left with my two daughters and two daughter kitties. Let’s just say that there is a lot of estrogen in the house. I feel bad for my husband. He would reframe that and say that he is blessed with his three hormonal ladies and girl cats!
I started to take notes about all the lessons I learned this year as a college mom. I will never cover all the lessons, but I do want to share some of them with you.
One of my biggest lessons is that what I want for Max is not what he wants for himself.
Max spent the year studying, studying, and doing more studying. His fabulous grades reflect his hard work and devotion to his studies. I would remind Max to take breaks. I would remind him that he needs to prioritize eating, drinking and sleeping. I would tell him to go have some fun. I just need to understand that Max is a very serious student. I am going to be honest and say that I hope to see him having more fun next year. He may tell us that studying and learning is fun. I am happy to see him home and out having a good time. I would like to see that happen at school next year. This is not my college experience. This is Max’s experience to make as his own. It doesn’t really matter what I want. I already went to college. This is Max’s turn and Max’s college experience.
You don’t have to be physically present to be present and supportive!
Oh, how I love Face Time. Every time Max got on the Face Time call, I was so very happy to see his face. I loved our conversations. I love that we kept in touch a lot while he was away. I loved the text messages from Max. I would always answer his calls any time day and night. I was available and helpful in any way I could be from almost three hours away. I could still be supportive, present and available even when we weren’t in the same house.
Visit Often
There were times when I was feeling like I really needed a Max hug. It takes us three hours to get to Max’s college. It is doable to drive there, take him to lunch and drive home. I think we only did that on his birthday. I warned my husband that this would happen when I had major Max withdrawal. It doesn’t even have to be a long visit. Even a couple of hours is very helpful when your child is missing you or you are missing them. I also made it clear to Max that he could come home any time. I would drop everything and change my schedule to go get him any time. We will see if he brings his car next year. For now, the mom uber driver is ready and willing any time!
On Call Mom
I would answer Max’s call any time of day or night. When I was working as a therapist and a supervisor I had an on-call phone next to me at all times. I am back to that. I am now the on-call mom who keeps my phone with me at all times. I did tell Max that I can’t answer when I’m recording a podcast. Other than that, I am ready!
Your kid can handle it.
Max had a couple issues at school. All kids are going to have something that they need to work out whether it’s with their professor, roommate, another student, a grade, etc. When Max called us about any issues he always wanted to share and hear our opinions. However, he always wanted to work things out himself. He would tell us his plan to take care of whatever it was and he would follow through. He showed us how capable he is. My mama bear tendencies would want to jump in and fix everything, but I have very good self-control. I am happy to report that I sat on my hands and just listened and guided and let Max do it all. I also had a great support system.
College Mom Friends and special College Friends!
When your child goes away to school, you need other moms who are dealing with the same thing. My friends who’s first child were going away to school at the same time as Max were the most helpful and supportive. Also, moms whose children were older than mine also gave me wonderful college advice and support. They have been there done that and knew how to be supportive. I also have two amazing book clubs with supportive friends. Three of these friends work at a college in residential life and taught me so much. They guided me, supported me, listened to me and answered my questions. The best line from a few of my book club friends was, “Don’t do anything.” I listened. They were so helpful. Special thank you to my friend Kate who was my mentor through this year!
Let go
Every year in high school I would pull back a little more control. I was learning to let go. I am still learning. College rips the band aid off. I was still parenting from a far and I was guiding and supporting in a completely different way. Our kids will always need us. They also need to know that we have faith in them, and we know that they can handle things. We are there for advice and guidance and we can also step back and let them keep flying more each year. The growth in a year is unbelievable. They come back even better and more appreciative then when they left.
Know that it’s an adjustment period with bumps
Freshman year is a huge adjustment for parents and kids. Just know that they are going to have good days and bad days and so will you. Life will get busy and you will be ok and then it will hit you one day that you are counting down to see them again. Your kids will be doing well and then may tell you they need to come home to reset and recharge. My door is open to my kids any time always.
I am so proud of my family for getting through the first year of college together. We are a strong support system and I learned that we will support each other wherever we are!
If you have any words of wisdom as a college mom let us know. If you have any questions let me know.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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