We make so many decisions every day:
What needs to get done?
What is a priority?
Who’s driving the kids where?
Breakfasts, lunches and dinners?
Appliances.
Furniture.
Trips.
Work decisions.
Email questions to be answered.
Which car to get?
Which restaurant to go to?
Which present to buy?
I was feeling absolutely exhausted from all the decisions. A lot of these decisions are a privilege. No one is going to feel bad for me trying to pick out a car or plan a family vacation. If I look at it as a privilege, then I feel less fatigued. I know how important my mindset is all day every day.
I also know that we can allow ourselves to have our feelings. We don’t want to dwell there in our feelings. We don’t want it to bring us down. We are allowed to feel decision fatigue as an example, and we are allowed to reach out and tell our families to take the reins.
My husband makes decisions all day at work. I totally respect that he wants me to take the lead with the decisions at home. I know he wants me to pick a car. I know he wants me to pick dates and a hotel so we can book the trip. It all feels like a lot sometimes. I was feeling drained and I turned to him and asked him for help.
I walked into a furniture store yesterday. We need a dining room table. We are so overdue. Our kitchen table broke. I went on amazon and chose and ordered a new kitchen table. Seth put it together and I am currently typing on it. I love our new table. That was an easy non draining decision for me. As I walked through the furniture store, I felt the decision drain. Part of it is that nothing was calling out to me. Part of it was that the one that I want is $7000. Don’t worry, I will not spend that on a table. That is crazy to me. As you probably know from spending any time with us, we are very focused on paying for college right now. A $7000 table is not in the budget.
I showed the family the tables I took photos of and they all picked the same one. I am just not feeling it. I don’t love making mediocre decisions but sometimes we just need to make the decision. The decision doesn’t need to be perfect.
I want to look at more tables. I wanted to look at more cars. Sometimes I reach my exhaustion limit. I didn’t have it in me to look at more cars. I had two great cars that I narrowed it down to. Narrow it down and go for it. Making the decision takes the weight off your shoulders.
When I do turn to Seth and ask him to make the decisions, I need to reinforce it and be happy with it. I need to tell Seth thank you and be happy with whatever he decides. If I say, “Plan my birthday,” then I need to just be happy with what he plans. If I don’t make the decision and I ask someone else to do it then I shouldn’t then be upset with what they decide. I asked them to do it. If I am tired of making all the decisions, then I shouldn’t then criticize what they do. I asked for help. If I want more help, then I need to reinforce and give thanks and praise so that more help will follow. If I criticize people, then they won’t want to help.
There is freedom in making decisions. I got the car I chose. I got the table I chose. I got the dinner I chose. I get what I want. If I am tired and I want someone else to help, then I am giving up the control. I need to be ok with that.
I can ask my daughters to each take a night to cook. I need to sit back and relax and enjoy whatever they cook. I need to say thank you and soak up that I didn’t have to decide what was for dinner and I didn’t have to cook it.
I think sometimes we can get too controlling, and then we wonder why we are so tired. We don’t have to do everything. We do have to get good at delegating and we do have to get good at being ok with how things are done. They aren’t going to fold the towels how you like them. They probably aren’t going to cook what you wanted. They may not choose the hotel you want. All of this is ok.
I ask Seth regularly to be our travel agent. I know he already has a lot on his plate. I also know that he travels a lot and is better at it than I am. We need to use each other’s strengths. I picked the place to travel to and the entertainment. Seth picked the hotel and the flights. We have learned how to split up the work, and I have learned that I can delegate some things to Seth and the kids. As my kids get older, I can do less and I can expect more from them.
I started this blog to help me cope with having three little kids. I continue to utilize this for helping me cope with the demands of motherhood and life. I am blessed to have the demands. We want a full life with tasks that we are able to complete. I also needed to give myself a pep talk and to discuss some coping strategies to help me through my decision fatigue. So here I go with some tips for all of us:
Remember that I don’t need to make all the decisions! I have people in my life to help me.
Realize that if I want help with the decisions that I should give positive reinforcement when someone helps me. So that they want to help again.
Just decide to be happy with whatever the other person decides. She wants to got to Zoe’s for lunch. I’ll just be happy a decision is made.
Realize that I don’t have to make the perfect decisions. Perfection leads to increased decision fatigue. A good enough decision is great and takes the weight off your shoulders.
Once any decision is made, decide to be happy with it. Don’t criticize your decision or other people’s decisions. Look for the good in the decision. It will make you happier with whatever you decided on.
Ask for advice. The weight is not all on you. Ask your village. Your family and friends are happy to help you.
Narrow it down, weigh your pros and cons, and then take the plunge. Once the decision is made I tend to feel a weight off my shoulders!
Trust yourself. Listen to yourself. You tend to know what you like and what you want. The noise of the world around us gets in they way of listening to our instincts.
Take a break. Sometimes I need to clear my mind and get away from making any decisions. A couple of my favorite ways to do this is to pick up a book or go for a walk.
Build routines into your life so that you have less decisions to make. I tend to rotate between chicken, beef and fish for dinner. I don’t tend to do elaborate dinners. My family wants a lot of protein and veggies. I simplify my life where I can and I build in routines where I can have less decision making!
I hope that this has helped all of us have less decision fatigue. You are allowed to be tired of making decisions. Together we need to figure out how to make it easier for you. Let us know if any of these tips helped you! Let us know if you have tips on this topic! If you are feeling this way, you are definitely not alone. I talk to moms every day and I know that we all feel this sometimes.
Laughing, Learning, Loving, and Celebrating!!!
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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