Today I was thinking about some of the top parenting tips that Seth and I have been using with our children for the last 19 years! Did I really say that? We have been parenting for over 19 years. It has been an amazing, wonderful, enjoyable, exhausting, draining, fabulous, life changing experience. People dream about careers that they want to have. I dreamed of marrying the love of my life and having babies. That doesn’t mean that you should feel guilty right now if you didn’t dream of having children. We are all different and on our own journey. I had no idea of the ride that my children would take me on. I’ve learned so much along the way. I want to share some of what I’ve learned.
This brings me to tip number one:
Stop the comparison game!
I will say that it is not a bad idea to compare milestones as your child is growing up as it could give you an indicator that something is wrong. They may just be on their own timetable and there may be something that they need assistance with. Ella needed OT to help her learn to cut. As children learn to sit, walk, run, talk, read, we want to see our child progress too.
However, we don’t want to drive ourselves nuts comparing our kids to other kids. Some kids are good at reading. Some kids are good at soccer. Focus on your own child and what their strengths are. It will make you happier.
Have clear expectations!
My kids want to know what our expectations are. They want us to be clear and specific with them, and they want to know timeframes too. What time are you expecting me to do this? Don’t play guessing games with your kids. They are happier when they know what to expect. “I expect you to be downstairs dressed and ready with your sneakers on in ten minutes.”
Be curious
This is one of the best parenting tips that I can give you. Be curious about what is going on with your children every day. What is going on at school? What is going on with their friends? What are they upset about? What are they proud of? How is their sport going? Don’t be afraid to ask questions. I know we only get so many questions and then their quota of patience may be done. If there is something that you want to know, go seek to understand!
Learn the word pause
This is one of my favorite parenting words. Learning the word pause has made such a difference in my life as a mom. I tell myself to pause before I react. I tell myself to respond vs. react. I tell myself to breathe. A pause makes a huge difference to what I say to my loved ones. If I can pause and think then I will regret what I say less often. It is a wonderful tool. The more we practice the better we do.
Model what you want to see your kids do
If you want your kids to eat healthy then go eat what you want to see them eating. If you want your kids to have a good relationship with their body, then talk nicely about your body. If you want your child to be calm, then model how to do that. If you want your child to talk to you nicely, then talk to them nicely. If you want your children to work hard, then show them what that looks like every day. If you want them to be nice to themselves then talk nicely to yourself. Whatever you want to see you need to do. They are going to watch you like a hawk so make it good.
Be consistent
The two words that will lead to parenting success and success in anything you want to achieve are consistency and persistence. Don’t give up. Be consistent every single day. Eventually it will work. It takes a lot of repetitions for behaviors to change. Keep at it every day. Ask for support. Tag in your partner. Take a break. But be consistent. I know you are tired. I know there are times that you want to give up. I am telling you never to give up on yourself or your children. I know that you can do it.
Believe in your kids
There is nothing like having a parent behind you cheering you on. If you believe in your child, then they will learn to believe in themselves. If you believe that they can do anything then they will learn this. Having a cheerleader in life makes a world of difference and I can promise you that you are making a big difference in your child’s life. We are the voice in their head. We want the voice to be a cheerleader and not a constant critic.
Mom Time out
I have learned that sometimes I really need to put myself in time out. Sometimes that is folding laundry by myself upstairs. Sometimes I go get coffee by myself. It looks different day to day, but the similarity is that it gives me the space that I need. When I feel super cranky and like I need some space, I give it to myself. They talk a lot about putting kids in time out, but they don’t talk enough about the mom time out. When you do take the time out, I want you to feel good about it and I want you to put the guilt away. No guilt for taking needed time for yourself.
They always hear you
I have learned that the nuggets that I drop are heard. We may think that they don’t hear us, but they do. They take it in more than we think. They will think about what we said to process it by themselves. Sometimes they come back and make changes. Sometimes they ask me questions. You may be looking for an instant response and an instant change. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that they hear you. Keep dropping nuggets.
Connection Before Correction
When my kids are acting in a way that I don’t approve of, my instinct is to jump straight to correcting. What they usually need first is connection. A hug or some eye contact can go a long way. When they feel seen, everything shifts, and the correction works better.
Lower the Bar
Not every meal has to be perfect. Not every moment has to be magical. Some days, getting the basics done is a win. When I stopped chasing perfection, I started enjoying my kids more. Why did I ever put that degree of pressure on myself and my family?
Pick Your Battles
Everything can’t be a fight. If I’m correcting every little thing, my kids stop listening to the big things. I try to ask myself, “Does this matter long-term?” If the answer is no, I let it go. Everyone is happier if we learn to pick our battles.
Those are some of my top parenting tips that I wanted to share with you. I hope that you find at least one of these tips helpful to take with you on you parenting journey. I continue to learn more about parenting every day. Our children are our lifelong teachers. Go learn with your kids and enjoy the journey with them. I would love to hear your top parenting tips!
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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