I want to warn every parent out there that just when you think that you have your child figured out that they change.
Just when you think that you have this parenting thing down, you are asked to grow and change.
Our kids start out so reliant on us for everything. I remember when they couldn’t even lift their head. I was there every step of the way. My husband reluctantly let me quit my job and I know that was so much on him. I’ve stayed home with my kids from day one and I’m so thankful to him every day for this. You all know that I went back to work part time, but I work my schedule around my children.
They start to walk, which is a whole new challenge for us. We have to protect them from themselves. One of my hardest stages of parenting was when Max was almost two and I was very pregnant with Ella. Chasing him and keeping him safe with a big belly was a stage of parenting that I will never forget.
When Max was a toddler, it was very hard to keep up with him. I remember everyone telling me that boys are harder when young and girls are harder as teenagers. Wow, were all those mothers right when they told me that. I got through that very hard stage with Max running everywhere and eventually every year he calmed down more.
As toddlers we have to monitor our children and keep them safe. We are directing everything they do all day long and are completely in charge of all of it. We learn to deal with meltdowns, and we are physically exhausted when they are babies and toddlers.
I remember sending Max off to preschool. It was hard to relinquish that control and let others have a big part in his life. I was sending him off into the world. The first time was the hardest with preschool and kindergarten. He went from a couple of hours at preschool to kindergarten all day in the blink of an eye. I felt my role shifting as we leveled up again.
I felt like a director, trainer, teacher, counselor and so much more through the elementary school years. I volunteered at school a lot and started to work more. I appreciated their wonderful teachers taking on such a big part of their lives. They learned and grew more every year, and I grew as a parent too.
If you are in the thick of it, I know that it’s a lot. I know how much you are juggling and trying to keep up with. I am going to tell you that you are doing better than you think you are. You will look back and be in awe of yourself. I want you to take a deep breath as you read this and tell yourself that you are doing a great job as a parent.
Middle school has its own challenges. I call it the awkward years. Our kids are dealing with puberty, challenges and higher expectations from their teachers and parents. I try to remember how challenging middle school was for me. I remember not being comfortable in my own body. I remember the boys snapping my bra and being so embarrassed. Let’s remember to have some grace for our kids through the middle school years. I know how hard it can be. The eye rolls and attitudes are the hardest for me. I try to set limits and not take it too personally. Parents can be really annoying to kids. I find myself constantly giving directions: “You need to actually drink your water today. Remember to turn in your permission slip. I’ll pick you up at 4:15….” My list goes on as she rolls her eyes at me. Remember to have conversations with them that aren’t just requests and lists that they need to do or aren’t doing.
We level up with each child, but we are going to focus on Max because he goes first. He is my wonderful guinea pig that I learn so much with. I sent him to preschool, elementary school, high school and college first. He goes first and paves the way for his family. He is a wonderful perfect capable person to go first and teach me all the things.
We got through the awkward middle school years with Covid throwing another wrench in it. We won’t talk about all the added Covid challenges with school and socialization. These are stories that our kids will be telling their own kids one day.
Moving on to sending Max to high school. The good thing about Max is that every time he started a new school I knew he was so ready. Even if I wasn’t ready, I knew that he was ready. He flew through high school with flying colors. He joined sports and clubs, got incredible grades and really learned where his interests were. I found myself as a mom stepping back more and more and coaching from the sidelines. I wasn’t in it; I was on the sidelines. I knew he wanted to go away to college, and I knew I needed to release control more and more every year. It may not feel easy to you, but we want them to thrive on their own. We want them to know that they can do it. We don’t want to breathe down their neck every moment. We want to have a successful launch into the world.
Here I sit today writing the summer after my son’s first year of college. Dropping him off at college was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My inner dialogue and support system helped me through this.
I knew things were changing and my role was changing. I knew that I was still needed. The only thing I guarantee us as parents is that things will always change, grow and evolve with our children. This is what we want to happen. Keep reminding yourself of that.
I thought sending him to the dorms was hard. I guess I didn’t grow enough, because it was time to step it up again as we dropped him off at his first apartment this summer. I’m watching him grocery shop, cook, do laundry, work full time as the tears fall from my face. “He’s only 19,” I tell my husband. He’s adulting and having to do so much. Seth is not having this problem. Seth is just proud of him and loves seeing him thrive. I sat on the phone with Max as he cooked chicken and I cried. I felt it. The leveling up process. I was leveling up again. I was no longer the coach on the sidelines; I was becoming more of a consultant. I wasn’t coaching through the day; I was consulting as needed. How did I get here, I asked myself? It happened quickly!
It isn’t easy for me, and it’s also a wonderful process. Our goal as a parent is to raise successful kids who contribute to society and have a happy fulfilled life. I know that he needs to do his own laundry and cook his own food. I know he needs to grocery shop and work and be able to pay for his life. I also know that I am still here. When he lands at home, I will still do all the things. I will continue to feed him and do his laundry. I will enjoy the weeks that I get to have him home with us.
I knew the day that I dropped Max off at college that he was done living at home. I knew he had big summer plans. I knew that I was going to get time here and there with him coming home. I will cherish every time he walks through the door. I will consult from a far. I will be his biggest cheerleader. I will also continue to be there for him every step of the way. Just because things change doesn’t mean that I’m still not his mom who is always there for him. I will answer my phone any time of the day and night. I will plan visits. I will be excited every time I know he’s coming home. I’m raising a good son. I want him to chase his dreams and go after what he wants. My consultant role will never change. Moms will always be consultants in the background for their kids as they get older. I am sure it will change more every year. I won’t be ready. I will be forced to continue to grow, change and evolve. It is what I want as a mom even if at times I don’t think it’s what I want.
I am deep in it with three teenagers ages 13, 17 and 19. What a 13-year-old needs is very different from what a 17- and 19-year-old needs. Keep taking a step back and testing the waters. Your job has gone from physically exhausting to more mental. Continue to remind yourself that you can do it and that you are doing a great job. Life will keep changing and I can assure you that you will always be needed!
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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