When I was working as a therapist, we would take turns being on call for the families that we worked with. When I was a supervisor, I was on call in case the therapists needed me. When I became a mom and my kids ventured off to school and activities, I realized I am always on call.
Now, as I write this, my children are 19, 17 and 13 years old. It is very rare that my party of five (husband and three kids) are all together. My son is back at college for his sophomore year. My daughter is heading into her senior year of high school. My youngest child is moving on to high school this year. My son is away at school and between school and activities my daughters are out a lot. Let’s add my husband who goes to work many hours a week. I didn’t mention that I am also an on-call wife and an on-call friend!
The fact that I am rarely with all three of my kids and my husband means I attempt to go through my days with my phone. I try to keep it with me. I try to answer as often as I can. I laughed last year when Max went off to college because no matter what I was doing I dropped everything to answer his calls. I can tell you that sophomore year has started and it hasn’t changed. Unless I am recording my podcast, I always tend to answer my phone.
When you have children, you feel as if you have made pieces of your heart that walk around life without you. I felt like I left a piece of my heart at college when I dropped Max off. My brain is really good at reminding me that this is what I want for my children. I want them to grow and thrive and make their dreams come true. My heart wants them all close by. I am very fortunate that Max picked a school that is pretty close to home. I may not be as lucky with my daughter. Her eye doctor told me that he gave his children a three hour radius from home and I looked at Ella. I gave her that look of, “This is what I’m saying to you. This is what I would like.”
Some parents set limits and boundaries on their children on where they can go to college. They tell them how far they can go. They tell them how much money they can spend. I have heard so many parents say, “You can choose any SUNY school.” Those are the more reasonably priced colleges in our NY area. I have asked both Max and Ella to go to Binghamton University. This is known as the Ivy of the SUNY schools. They have both rejected my wonderful idea.
It is stressful as a parent because you want your kids close. You want them to pick reasonably priced schools, and you also want their dreams to come true. I never would have dreamed of attending the schools that Max is attending and that Ella is applying to. There is a practical parent in me and there is a dream big parent in me.
I told Max when he left for school that I would always come to get him when he wanted to come home. Sometimes a weekend at home is all he needs to regroup and get back to it. The on-call mom will cancel her day to go get Max. I would love for him to have his car, but parking at school is not fun!
I was just talking to my daughter Ella about being so distracted and unable to write. She told me to write about forgetting about myself. This child of mine is a brilliant old soul. The stuff that comes out of her mouth continuously blows me away. I sit here typing and thinking about how often moms push themselves aside for their children. I know that I have to do the stuff to take care of myself so that I am at the health and strength to take care of my family. What is my motivation? My family is my motivation. They motivate me to be the best version of me. They motivate me to take care of myself. Shoving myself and my needs aside for my children will not benefit them in the long run.
Tips for the on-call mom:
Do I always have to say yes? My youngest child said to me one day, “You said yes.” It was such a simple and smart comment that really had me thinking. I love the word “yes.” If I say yes, it’s on me. I don’t always have to say yes.
Let them know when I’m not available! I will do this a lot and I will let them know that I’m busy from X time to Y time and I will be available right after that so that they know when I’m busy. Communication about my schedule has really been helpful.
I can’t be immediately available every minute of every day. Unless it’s super important, they just have to wait for me or find someone else for what they need.
Can they do it or do they really need you? Our kids are so much more capable and resilient than we think they are!
It’s okay for them to be inconvenienced. I notice the moms who are always late picking up their kids and their kids are just used to. Then you have me rushing to be early. I need to calm down, take a deep breath, and stop rushing around. It will all be ok.
Tell them to ask dad. I do this all the time. Seth, you are welcome! Our kids will always tend to ask mom first. I will say that my kids know if it’s anything with technology or financial forms that they need to go to their father. He does a lot and I am truly appreciative. I think based on my observations that my husband does more than most and I notice that and I appreciate that. I still have to tell them to ask dad. Especially if I’m toast. “Tag, you’re it.”
Take time off. I am booking myself a massage and a nail appointment soon. It doesn’t have to be an appointment. Put your feet up and take a time out. My feet are up as I’m typing this. I went out last night and my husband was in charge of the girls. I need that every so often. Seth encouraged me to go out. Sometimes I need that little push. I can get caught up in all my responsibilities.
How can they help you? Have you ever asked yourself that? Do you ever ask your kids for help. My daughter got out of the car and started walking towards the house. I asked her to come back and help me unload the trunk. I am going to tell my girls that when we get home, they need to ask if I need help carrying things in. Ella usually asks me. My son with big muscles is now away at school but I have two capable daughters able to help out with a lot of things. When I left the other day, I asked Ella to do the dishes. My friend’s daughters do all the dishes. I could take notes from other moms. How can your kids help you?
Sometimes mom comes first. You may need to read that again. I am not good at this one. I am learning with you. Sometimes what I want comes first. A perfect example is that when we go on vacation, I do make sure that if there is something that Seth or I wants that it happens. We all know that we will make happen what the kids want. Just remember what mom wants sometimes.
It goes too fast. One day they will all be moved out and we will miss the chaos. We will miss the constant requests. I know how overwhelming being a mom can be. I also know that it is such a privilege and honor to be a mom. I also know that I feel a lot of things at once as a mom. I feel honored, privileged, overwhelmed, happy, sad, stressed, and so much more. I think if anyone knows how to feel a lot of things at once that it is a mom.
You may feel that you are on call 24/7. Who else would we want our kids to call? We want them to call us. I want them to feel safe, secure, supported and helped when they call me. I want to be the place they land. Their homebase. I also need to remember myself that so that I have the strength to be great for my family and friends.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
I’m already the on-call mom.
Now I’m on call for you, too.
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