We are not pregnant! Guest Post By Seth Greene

Warning: You have to read this ENTIRE post in order to get it, and BEFORE you react.

About 7 years and 7 or 8 months ago, Rebecca and I were driving home from one of our million errands that day.

She asked me to pull over, and stop at the CVS we were about to pass, and to run in and buy her some NERDS. As in, NERDS, the candy.

In our entire relationship, I have never seen her eat NERDS, and she has never asked for them. I didn’t even know that she knew they existed. Historically, she only craves chocolate. Except when she is pregnant, then she craves MORE chocolate.

So when I came out of CVS, I had her NERDS, and I also had a pregnancy test. Not because she said anything, but just because she asked for NERDS. I didn’t hand it to her in the car.

I waited until we got home, because then she would have to pee.

You see, anytime any of us leaves the house to go somewhere, everyone has to go to the bathroom. Even if they went ten minutes ago. If you say the magic words, “Get your shoes on, we are leaving!” then everyone has to go the bathroom again. Also, when we walk in the door, the same things happen. Even if we just went to the bathroom at Grammy’s house, everyone fights over the downstairs bathroom when we walk in the door.

That’s how I knew she would have to pee when we got home. Sure enough, we walked in the door and she headed for the bathroom.

I handed her a pregnancy test. She asked me why. I told her she was pregnant because she asked for NERDS. She didn’t believe me.

Turns out, she was pregnant with Lillie.

I guarantee you my mother is reading this, and will call us after reading it to find out if we are pregnant. WE ARE NOT.

On to rest of the story.

It’s the first week of school. Not only do we have normal first week of school stress, but Ella is starting middle school, Lillie is playing her first season of house soccer, and Max is playing on multiple soccer teams and has practice every single day.

So it’s been a lot on my wonderful wife. Even more stressful than normal.

I noticed something on the kitchen counter yesterday. It looked like a half eaten loaf of apple fritter bread. I asked Rebecca, “You bought this for me? Didn’t tell me? And let the kids eat half of it?”

“No,” she said. “I bought it for you, but I needed it this week.”

“I can’t deal,” I said.

“You can’t be pregnant. You just can’t,” I said.

“I’m not. I’m just stressed cause it’s the first week, and I haven’t slept, blah, blah, blah.”
She didn’t say blah, blah, I’m saying that so I don’t have to type up the list I already told you about. See? I don’t even like to repeat myself in print.

I guess when you have all of the above stresses, the symptoms can sometimes manifest as random irrational cravings that your husband might mistake for pregnancy.

Thank God she got her period is all I can say.

Crisis Averted.

Mom, in case you missed it: She is NOT Pregnant.