Somehow Seth and I are raising three overachievers. Achievers who expect a lot of themselves. Kids that I tell to put the book down and go out. Kids that sign up for what I say is “too many” hard classes. Kids who don’t listen to me and march to their own drummer.
You may be struggling with the other end of the coin. Maybe you struggle to get your child to go to school. Maybe your child tells you school is just not for them. You can’t get your child to complete their homework. You are pulling your hair out trying to give them the push they need to work harder. Every child is so different. You may have one of each in your family. Today we are going to focus on the overachievers. Let’s see if I can bring them down a notch. Wish me luck because I haven’t been very successful yet.
What are we modeling?
I’m going to tell all of us a hard truth. Whenever anything is upsetting us about our children, I want us to put down our ego and take a hard look in the mirror. It isn’t about what we are telling our children. What are we showing them? Do you work nonstop all day? Do you take breaks? Do you have very high standards for yourself. If we want our kids to be a little less overachieving, then let’s show them how to do that.
What to do: Make sure to take breaks and slow down a little. Make sure to show them how to have a balanced life. Let your hair down and have fun. Loosen up on your own standards of yourself. Encourage balance in their life by showing them and suggesting things that they would enjoy.
What are we praising our children for?
I quickly learned to praise my children’s effort vs. the score of their test. However, how much effort do I want them to put in? Do I want them to study endlessly? Do I want them to have more balance and go out with their friends? The praise we give our children for results such as grades can be translated into = I have to perform to make my parents proud. I am proud of my kids more for who they are than for what they do. Let’s pay attention to what we are praising our children for. If we praise them constantly for grades they think they have to get good grades. If we praise them constantly for their looks then they get hyper focused on how they look.
What to do: Praise your children for things other than grades and looks. Praise them for their kind heart. Point out examples of what you see them doing that you want them to keep doing. “I love that you invited that girl to sit with you at lunch. That was so kind and inclusive of you.” Reinforce the behaviors that you want them to continue with your praise and attention.
Insecurities!
Are our children striving for success to cover up how they feel about themselves inside? When they earn a good grade or score a goal at their game, they feel good about themselves at that moment. Then they strive to feel that again and again. How do we make them feel worthy without performing?
What to do: Help our children be more secure by pointing out qualities about them that you can praise. Avoid being critical of them as much as you can. Our voice becomes their voice in their head. Give them specific examples so that they can own it themselves. Lillie made me laugh hard the other day. I pointed out how smart and funny she is and I saw her light up inside.
The setting!
Who are our children surrounded by? Is their friend group all high achievers? Are they trying to keep up? Do they support each other or do they compete with each other. I often wonder what my children’s school environment feels like for them. I should ask this question tonight!
What to do: Pay attention to your children’s friends. Encourage them to hang out with the friends that you see encourage your child and lift them up. Encourage them to join things to widen their social group.
Sibling pressure!
When your first child is an overachiever, the next children either copy or react against this. Every child is different, but they are also influenced by each other. My second child is an overachiever with unrelenting standards, and my third child isn’t far behind. She took honors Biology despite my disagreement with this course. My son told me that I also didn’t agree with all the AP classes that he took. He sees a theme with me. I tell them to take less hard classes and they basically say, “no thank you.”
What to do: I am very clear with my children that they are each their own individual with their own strengths and weaknesses. I discourage them comparing themselves to each other. I point out their own unique individual strengths. Help them embrace their own unique self. Remind them that you don’t expect them to be like their siblings.
Labeled the smart one!
They get labeled the smart one and then they think they need to live up to the hype. What is your child known for? The football player, the athlete, the musician, the smart one…. They want to live up to their labels.
What to do: Let’s avoid labeling our kids. The hard one. The easy one. The smart one. The athletic one. We have to watch what we say out loud to our children. Also, watch for other people in their lives labeling them!
Cognitive distorted thinking
Black and white thinking – all or nothing thinking is a distortion. They think they have to get 100 on everything. If it isn’t an A they are so upset with themselves. How about if we teach our children to be proud of the effort they put into whatever grade they get.
What to do: For a long time, I would say, “No one is going to look at your middle school grades. Relax!” I can’t say that anymore. We have arrived in high school with two of our children and college with one of our kids. Grades do matter to a point. As I tell them, their mental health is more important to me than their grades. They don’t have to perform perfectly in their play or their game. They don’t have to get good grades on every single thing they do. Let’s teach them about understanding, compassion, and flexibility with themselves. What would they tell their friend if they didn’t play well in the football game?
Need for control!
Studying hard and getting grades. Practicing daily and getting the back tuck. Practicing the cello every day to perfect a song. It all gives our children a sense of control that gives them security. What if they found security in other ways?
What do do: Understand that anxiety is what’s fueling them. They can settle their anxiety by having faith in themselves and who they are without the relentless practice or studying. They can learn to set better boundaries with themselves.
Anxiety about the future!
My daughter is in an anxious time in her life. She is going to be applying for college. She doesn’t know where she is going yet. If she works super hard every day, she knows that will help to secure her future. She wants to get into a certain college. I have asked her not to put all her eggs in one basket. My son did that and it wasn’t pretty. Thankfully it worked out but our stress level was high.
What to do: Let’s remind our children that wherever they go to college and whatever job that they get that it will work out. Let’s help them live in the here and now and not be so stressed out about their future.
It is a vicious never-ending cycle of doing more and wanting more. We need to help our children and ourselves stop this cycle. We can learn to love and accept who we are. We can have more tolerance and understanding for our imperfections. We can teach our children to be more flexible and set better boundaries. We can help them learn to trust in themselves and the world around them. We create the world that we live in. We tell ourselves stories every day. Let’s all teach our children to tell themselves better stories. We also always need to remember to practice what we preach!
I hope that this was helpful. I hope that we can all learn to take it down a notch. Hard working, relentless, persistent and consistent are all fabulous qualities. As long as we also find balance and boundaries within.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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