I am a summer person. I love summer. The weather is warmer. We can be outside more. The kids get a break from school. However, warmer weather leads to a lot more work outside. I don’t know about you, but I already have enough work inside! Let’s add all the outside work on top of all the inside work we do! It’s a lot. Then add on a husband who has been traveling a lot. This may lead to a cranky wife.
This weekend Seth and I did a ton of work outside. He was home this weekend to help! From weeding to planting to mowing, there was so much to do. We aren’t finished and the work continues. When I got home on Sunday, Seth was so proud to show me that he mowed the backyard. I am so thankful that he mows the lawn. My eyes tend to go straight to the fence and the trampoline, and it needed trimming. I was snippy and instead of thanking him I told him that he needed to trim around the trampoline. I wasn’t nice. I didn’t appreciate all that he did all weekend.
I am telling you this to give you the full picture of something that we all can work on. Seth and I did so much the whole weekend. I see him working hard to weed and mow and make our house look nice. I don’t need to be cranky and reactive about it. This is a pattern. I am nice and sweet a lot of the time. That’s obviously the wife that he likes better. I am also aware that I go to this cranky place.
Instead of looking for what he didn’t do. How about I look for everything he did? What if I was nice and appreciative. If I see something that wasn’t done, I can nicely ask him if he will go trim around the trampoline. What gets in the way of that?
It is one automatic thought that I have identified that goes down a bad path. That thought is, “He should know. I shouldn’t have to tell him.”
If I could remove that thought from me and every other wife, marital satisfaction would drastically improve across the world. If we can all change one thought, then the whole dynamic would change. I have had that thought a few times this week and it never goes well.
Seth and I are very happily married. It doesn’t matter if you are happy in your marriage or struggling. We can all do better. We can all work on being a better version of ourselves every day. I am fully aware when I like how I am being and when I don’t like how I am being. We need to become observers of ourselves and others so that we can notice what is working and what isn’t working. If you are happy with X, keep doing it. If you aren’t happy, it’s time for some improvements. I don’t like myself when I am cranky. I like myself when I am sweet and kind. It was time to get to the bottom of my crankiness.
I also want to make a note here that this is not encouragement to criticize or be hard on yourself. We do enough of that. I am aware that most of us are doing a great job and don’t always notice that. I also know that we are not the best at giving ourselves grace. We are allowed to mess up. We are allowed to be cranky. I just noticed a pattern here that I want to address.
Other than the fact that every mother under the sun needs a vacation, I believe that I got to the bottom of my crankiness. I am going to remove the thought, “He should know. I shouldn’t have to tell him.” Seth runs several businesses. I know how busy he is. I know that he loves the kids and I and is balancing a lot. I know that he is never going to think of everything, and I know that he is trying. I also know that if I pause, take a breath, and say anything nicely to him, he will be happy to do it. “Honey, thank you so much for weeding and mowing the lawn. I see how hard you are working for our house. Can you please go trim around the trampoline when you have a chance.” That would have eliminated my being annoyed with Seth and Seth being annoyed with me. It is that simple and that is only one example from this week. I know that every conflict we had this week stems from my having that thought.
Wives want their husbands to know how to make them happy. Whether it’s how they load the dishwasher or how they mow the lawn. Whether it’s which dish detergent to buy or what they want for dinner. I think wives get fatigue from being the brains behind the home operation. I get tired of thinking of everything that needs to get done and everything that needs to happen.
Seth has embraced his role as CEO at work, and I have embraced my role as CEO of the kids and household. When I left Sunday, I said to Seth: “I have decision and dinner fatigue. I am leaving. Ella needs to eat at 5 because she has something at 6. If you and Ella can have dinner figured out and ordered and delivered by 5, that would be wonderful. I would like a break from thinking of anything dinner related tonight.” I didn’t expect him to know. I was very specific about what I wanted, and he was happy to deliver because I was nice about it.
I know that we want our husbands to have Jedi mind powers. I am here to break it to you that they don’t. As much as we want them to know and be observant. Most of them are trying. Most of them want to make us happy. They aren’t trying to upset us.
Let’s assume that our husbands mean well.
Let’s assume that they want us to be happy.
Let’s assume that if we are specific and ask nicely that they will be happy to do anything.
We will have a much happier marriage if we all do this. Let’s all make a deal to remove “He should just know. I shouldn’t have to tell him” From our vocabulary. Let’s not say that anymore. If you are hesitant, just do an experiment with me. Let’s try it out and see what happens if we don’t think that way. Let’s change it to; “I am going to ask him nicely to do something and he will be happy to do it.”
Let’s all begin the experiment today. Let’s see what happens. I’ll report back to you.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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