My daughter Ella started out the boundaries conversation in her Teenage Tuesday blog that you can go read at whinypaluza.com. I am going to continue this topic. We are thrilled to cover requested topics such as this one.
Boundaries can be hard. Boundaries can be uncomfortable. Some people are very comfortable setting boundaries, and some people can really struggle. It is beneficial to both parties involved to set the boundaries. It improves relationships.
If something is bothering you with a friend, family member or coworker, if you keep it inside it doesn’t help the relationship. If we value a relationship, then we will put in the effort by creating boundaries that work for both people involved in the relationship.
You may think that you are being nice by not setting a boundary or by tolerating something that doesn’t work for you. I know that you think you are doing something kind, but it is working against the relationship. I know that it may be uncomfortable for you, but the more you practice the easier that it will get. You have to start somewhere.
Things we set boundaries with:
How someone treats you – people only treat us how we allow them to.
Time – What do you want to spend your time on? What do you have time for?
Work – what are your work hours? What do you do during your work hours? Do you take work home? When do you have time off?
Needs – what needs aren’t being met?
Self-disclosure – What are you willing to disclose to whom?
Invitations – Are you able to attend? Do you want to attend?
Money – Are you able to spend money on this? Do you want to?
Energy – What do you have energy for? Do you need some down time?
Reflect about what it is that you need. Do you need space? Do you need more attention? What is bothering you? You have to figure that out before you attempt to build a boundary.
We don’t want to let things fester in a relationship. It will build and grow and eventually you may explode and damage the relationship. Or you may end up avoiding the person because of whatever it is that isn’t working for you. I recommend diving into working on it and setting the boundary before it builds up.
Give yourself permission to set a boundary. You don’t have to go into a long drawn-out explanation to make yourself feel better. Just say it. “I can’t come.” It’s a complete sentence.
Explain what you are going to do vs. what you want them to do. An example is, “I go to bed at X time. I won’t answer my phone after 10 pm.” As an example.
Boundaries are fluid and will change throughout the years. What worked for you when your kids were little may change as they get older. What works for you for one month may not work for you the next month. You may have a busy season at work. An example in my life is that my son is home for a short amount of time this summer. I want to spend time with him. I have not made as many plans as I normally do while he is home. It’s a boundary that I set, knowing that I want to spend time with Max.
Family and friends cannot read your mind and know what you need. If you are not getting a need met, then it is your job to communicate. One of the best things women can do is learn to be direct and learn to ask for what they need. “I am not doing everyone’s laundry anymore. I will teach you all how to do it and everyone is responsible for their own laundry.” That is a common boundary that I hear mothers make with their children.
We are all going to work on practicing setting boundaries in a calm and rational way. We don’t want to lash out when we are angry or frustrated. We want to do it when we are calm and in a good head space.
What about when someone is setting a boundary with you?
I want us all to remember that boundaries improve relationships. We want people to be able to communicate what they need. If your child tells you that they aren’t ready to talk about something. Hear them. Hear that they aren’t ready and let them know that you are here when they are ready to talk. We want them to be able to set boundaries with other people so let them practice with you.
The goal is to create a relationship where both people feel content. If your friend or family member has any issues, we want them to communicate. I tend to set boundaries when I need to leave. I usually have a child to pick up. If my friend is blowing up my phone with text messages and I’m busy, I will wait to respond until I have time.
We want to create a safe comfortable relationship where people in our lives feel comfortable telling us their thoughts. That leads to better relationships, less resentment, and less conflicts.
If I want people to accept when I set a boundary, then I need to give them that same understanding and grace. We want to treat people how we want them to treat us. I would want someone to accept my boundary so I will give them the same in return.
We can immediately go to a place of feeling like we did something wrong and feel rejected. What if it isn’t about us. What is they are having personal issues? What if they are feeling exhausted or in a bad mental space? Maybe they are having a bad day or a bad week? Try to think about what is going on for them.
We may feel sad or upset by someone setting a boundary with us. Things in life are not always going to make us happy. We will have a lot of feelings in one day. I want us to take some time to reflect. What is the person setting a boundary about? Do you tend to smother people? Do you tend to not give people enough attention. Use this as an opportunity for growth. If it is someone that you love and respect, you can probably learn from this. Maybe you need to text or call less. Maybe it’s the other side of the coin and the other person needs more attention from you. Are you able to give this to them? Are you able to dial it back if you need to? If it is someone that you love and respect, I want you to take some time to think about your actions and how you can improve your relationship. Sometimes I feel like I can never give my friends enough attention. I have a husband and three kids. I can only do so much. I have boundaries too. It has to be a give and take, and both people need to get to a place where they are both comfortable.
Pay attention to how you respond. If we want our friends and family to be honest with us, then we need to respond to their boundary in a calm and loving manner. We want our people to be honest with us, and we want them to feel safe.
If there is a boundary that you would like to set with someone, I hope that this will give you the gentle nudge that you need to communicate this need. Do it in a calm, loving, direct way. It is always about how we say something.
If a boundary is thrown your way, I want you to take a deep breath and accept it with love and understanding. If you don’t accept the boundary, I would have a calm conversation about it. The goal is always for both parties to be content and comfortable in a relationship.
Boundaries aren’t walls we build to keep people out. They’re instructions for how we can stay connected in a positive way with our loved ones. Boundaries can be a blessing in a relationship. It is a need being communicated to improve the relationship. Boundaries are set because people care.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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